A Parent’s Survival Guide to Videogameland

Step 1: Don’t give birth to a hero of destiny.

By Katharine Byrne. Posted 02/06/2012 15:37 3 Comments     ShareThis

Dear Parent,

Congratulations! You’ve just given birth to a darling newborn baby. Happy days! From everyone here at the Ministry of Health and Healing, we wish you the very best of luck with your new child, because trust us, you’re going to need it!

You’ll see below that we’ve enclosed a helpful survival guide to help you through your first few days as a new parent. We encourage you to enjoy every waking moment with your child as they may well be your last. We don’t mean to alarm you, but the world is, quite simply, out to get you. You may not have noticed, but your demographic is precisely the one missing from the general population. Unfortunately we cannot confirm what causes this inexplicable fact of life, but this pandemic has been sweeping across the land for the past thirty years. So far it’s claimed thousands of Video Game Land parents and it’s been recorded from the far-reaching mining colonies of K-2L to the leafy jungles of Donkey Kong Island. A recent survey even showed that becoming a parent in Video Game Land could lead to a 50% reduction in your overall life expectancy.

Of course, The Ministry of Health and Healing applauds your courage in choosing this risky venture, but if you have any aspirations of making it through to old age, then we strongly advise that you follow every step of our survival guide below. Times may be peaceful enough now, but a new parent’s most common mistake is to think it will never happen to them. Evil is lurking round every corner– it may be days from now, it may be years from now, but somewhere, somehow, it will find you.

We once again extend our deepest congratulations on this happy occasion. We wish you the best of luck, and we’ll keep you in our prayers.

Yours faithfully,

High White Mage Cura
The Ministry of Health and Healing

Step 1: Make your child as ordinary as possible

It’s an undisputed fact that hereos of destiny (or just plain heroes) are almost always orphans. We don’t know how or why this happens, but it’s the most common symptom of a parent’s early demise. If your child is called upon by the powers that be to save the world, you’ll either already be six feet under or you’ll be there very soon. We’ve lost hundreds of parents over the years because they neglect to crush all future hopes and dreams of their offspring, so confiscate all those tales of brave knights and courageous warriors and keep them far away from all sword masters and bow instructors. It’s a harsh lesson, to be sure, but it’s also one that’s crucial to your survival.

Case Study:

Outset Island, Great Sea

Being a parent is always difficult. Grandma and her husband (goddesses rest his soul) were some of the lucky ones on their island. Their child was completely ordinary when they were born and they couldn’t tell one end of a sword from another when they turned ten years old. A child’s tenth birthday is always a dangerous time of life on Outset Island. The islanders make it a big celebration when they give their children their hero clothes, but inside they’re struggling to hold back the tears. Thankfully her child had no aspirations of following in the legendary hero’s footsteps and she couldn’t have been a happier mother.

But her child wasn’t so lucky when they too embarked on the road of parenthood. As their son Link grew up into a fine young boy, they began to think the goddesses had spared them as well. They even went on to have another child a few years later, a girl this time called Aryll, but one day they became very ill. At first they thought it was a simple fever, but Grandma began to worry when her homemade soup couldn’t make them better. She still remembers the day when everyone on the island gathered their spare savings together to try and help her get a doctor from Windfall Island, but even the doctor couldn’t save them. They died of “unnatural causes”, the doctor said, but the most probable cause was the fact Link was destined to become the fabled Hero of the Winds. Grandma always said she knew the boy would be special one day…

Step 2: Refrain from becoming your child’s greatest rival

In the event that your child does become a hero of destiny, trying to defeat them yourself will never end well. We understand that having a hero for a child can be taxing on a parent’s sense of self-worth, and if you think leaving your spouse as soon as your child is born will aid you in your quest to escape death, we also advise you to reconsider the likely success of this plan. Your child will find out who you are, no matter what your disguise, and they will defeat you. The ensuing grief and betrayal (and sometimes unintentional death) caused by such jealousy is wholly unnecessary, and will only complicate your child in later life. We strongly advise that you remain with your family and live out your remaining time together in happiness.

Case Study:

Lloyd Irving
Dirk’s House, Iselia

Lloyd always thought he was an orphan. Raised by Dirk the dwarf on the outskirts of Iselia, he grew up believing his mother died in an accident with the Desians. But when Lloyd left with his friend Colette on her Journey of Regeneration, Kratos (Lloyd’s true father) finally decided to put in an appearance after seventeen years of neglect. Even though he believed his family to be dead, Kratos couldn’t find the courage to tell his son who he was.

Instead he merely posed as a mercenary and continually berated Lloyd as they journeyed together. This only drove Lloyd further and further away from him until Kratos committed the ultimate betrayal and revealed he was working for Lloyd’s enemies all along. Lloyd’s resentment soon grew to intense hatred, and he vowed to defeat Kratos once and for all. It was only during their final showdown that Kratos finally revealed that he was in fact Lloyd’s real father. It was an awkward moment, to say the least, and to this day Lloyd still can’t muster the will to call Kratos his “dad”. He may have accepted he’s Kratos’ son, but it’s not exactly the best relationship they could have hoped for.

Step 3: Choose your family home wisely

Citadels, royal palaces, volcanoes, spiritual trees and other such places of global significance tied to the fate of the planet may have their uses, but they’re not the best places to pitch your family tent. They’re highly prone to attack and are often at the epicentre of worldwide conflicts, so stay away at all costs or exercise extreme caution.

Ferrick, Tamber, and Poppen from Mana Village in Illusia had this to say:

“All of our parents died in the great disaster. We were only very small at the time, but something happened at the base of the Mana Tree and it hurt a lot of people. We’re not quite sure how we survived, but luckily there were enough survivors to help us as we grew up. We’re just glad that we were able to find some answers when we too discovered the fabled Sword of Mana and confronted the Mana Lord underneath the roots of the Mana Tree. After we defeated him everyone was told to leave Illusia to the care of our friend Tess and the Elemental spirits. We now live in Jadd, and life is finally getting back to normal.”

Step 4: Maintain close family ties

Just in case you do suffer an untimely demise, ensure your child’s safe upbringing by surrounding yourself with your own relatives. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, brothers and sisters– as long as you get along, it doesn’t matter. And just in case they too bear children of destiny, make sure you have a back-up.

Another alternative is to send your child to a town full of kind and hospitable animals:

Animal Crossing Wild World artBy entrusting your child to any number of Animal Crossing villages, you’ll be absolutely sure that your child will not only be cared for and kept safe, but they’ll also be brought up knowing some of life’s hardest lessons. This also marries nicely with step one too– teaching your child about paying off their mortgage or learning how to spot a scam are ideal ways to keep them away from becoming potential hero material.

Step 5: Always remain vigilant!

If you do manage to survive into old age, congratulations! But the game of parenthood isn’t over just yet, because the face of evil will use any means necessary to make their plans succeed. And that includes capturing you and your family to blackmail your children and/or other heroes. Not only does this put yourselves at great risk, but it also requires your children/said heroes to journey the length of the world to bring you home safely. Definitely to be avoided.

Felix and Jenna from Vale in Weyard know this pain all too well:

“Our parents and my brother Felix ended up being captured by Saturos and Menardi when they tried to break into the Sol Sanctum to steal the Elemental Star. A huge boulder came crashing down Mt Aleph and I thought they had all died in the disaster. But instead our parents were held captive in the northern village of Prox, and I was reunited with Felix when Saturos and Menardi captured me as well. I didn’t know my parents were still alive though until we slew them accidentally when the Wise One transformed them into a giant dragon ‘to test our resolve’. We had no idea we were fighting our parents, and we were all shocked when the dragon disappeared to reveal its true form. Only Issac seemed to know it was them, but thankfully they were revived when we lit the final Lighthouse and Alchemy returned to Weyard. We don’t know how it happened, but we’re so relieved they’re all right.”

We do hope you’re successful in completing The Ministry of Health and Healing’s survival guide for Video Game Land parents. We cannot guarantee this guide will ensure complete safety or death immunity, but we hope it will provide at least some comfort for parents along the way. After all, becoming a parent is something to be enjoyed, not feared, and if you’re not fortunate enough to complete each step, you can at least be proud in the knowledge that your children will likely go on and save the world after you’re gone!

3 Responses to “A Parent’s Survival Guide to Videogameland”

  • 6 points
    drag31 says...

    I find it quite humorous that this be posted.
    In December we had our first child, a girl.
    Named her Zelda and as some of you might know (atleast noah does as he’s sent me a package for a contest i won here a few years back) My last name is Dragmire. A few of you will get the irony in her name.
    in any case. this is the first time i’ve been to nintendjo since the format change and here’s this story. Thanks for

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