Mushroom Kingdom’s Most Wanted

Say hello to the most hardened criminals Marrymore has to offer.

By Aaron Roberts. Posted 10/06/2011 14:00 1 Comment     ShareThis

Mushroom Kingdom's Most Wanted (Aaron Roberts)

Be warned, fellow police officers. The following rogue’s gallery is one of the most dangerous, bloodthirsty, underhanded, ruthless, insensitive, worthless gathering of low-down rapscallions ever to be assembled under one grouping. Call a police officer immediately should you run into even one of them, let alone two or more at the same time. Oh, wait. You ARE police officers. Guess that throws that solution out the door, then, doesn’t it?

Well, since you are all police officers, I suppose you should be prepared to handle these baddest of the bad, these horrible, awful, simply rotten criminals. I know what you’re all thinking: “This is Marrymore, nothing bad EVER happens in Marrymore!” But you’d be wrong. I’d have you know no less than six separate weddings were called off last year due to the heartbreak of shaving cream vandalism. Chef Torte himself went into shock and was unable to finish five cakes after a prankster slammed the oven door, collapsing several weeks’ worth of fine baking art.

Nevertheless, the kinds of criminals listed below are of a far eviller… evilier, …more EVIL stripe. If you do happen to see them, do your best not to get shot, stabbed, beaten, poisoned, tied up, stomped, crushed, robbed, or sneezed upon. Remember your Marrymore PD training and arrest them on sight!

From the files of the Marrymore Police Department:

Name: Ernesto “Snifit” Gomez

Known Aliases: Big Fat Ernie, Gomez Adams, Mr. Snuffle-upagus

Modus Operandi: Wanted for trafficking unapproved false Maple Syrup substitutes throughout the kingdom.  These fake Syrups do not increase the unsuspecting drinker’s Flower Points, and although it seems they have no ill side effects, they are nevertheless unapproved for use by the FDA (Flowerpoint Drink Administration).  Apprehending this suspect will be difficult as he has a loyal cadre of other Snifit associates, most of whom are indistinguishable from him.

Name: Thomas Kamek

Known Aliases: Tommy O’Shanks, The Turtlemeister, Dirty Dan

Modus Operandi: Uses his magic to cloud victims’ minds, then swindles them out of their life savings.  Pursuing officers should be aware that he is also skilled in combat magicks, and carrying a strong countercharm or Starman for defense is highly recommended.

Name: Damien Goomstein

Known Aliases: Bonkmaster Steve, Damien Smith, Joseph Steinbeck

Modus Operandi: Wanted on over five counts of assault and is suspected to have committed dozens of robberies across the Donut Plains throughout the last month.  He sneaks up on his unsuspecting victims then bonks them sharply on the head, stealing their valuables.  He is unlikely to engage officers, and will almost certainly try to flee any pursuit.

Public Enemy Number One

Name: Lakitu McGillicuddy-Smith

Known Aliases: Smith Stuart, Lt. Colonel Albert J. Timmons, Rain Man

Modus Operandi: McGillicuddy-Smith is currently wanted on suspicion of dropping paint balls on the Mushroom Kingdom Founder’s Day Parade, then doing the same five weeks later at the Sarasaland Thanksgiving Day Parade, critically injuring innocent bystander Waluigi, who was dressed as Santa Claus for the parade.  Apprehension will be quite difficult, as this suspect resembles a perfectly normal cloud until he begins his paint-filled assault.

All should be considered armed and dangerous. Report any sightings to Marrymore Police HQ, c/o Capt. Wordsworth Toadington, immediately.

One Response to “Mushroom Kingdom’s Most Wanted”

  • 1332 points
    Andrew Hsieh says...

    McGillicuddy-Smith isn’t so bad, is he? I just had dinner with him the other day. Seemed like a nice guy. Of course, my wallet was missing afterward, but I’m pretty sure there’s no correlation.

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