Hot Air: Fic’ed

Fan fiction challenge accepted: Naruto + Star Fox + The NFL!

By Aaron Roberts. Posted 05/12/2011 16:00 2 Comments     ShareThis

Hot Air Masthead

“All right, let’s do it!” Naruto hollered over the din of the crowd noise.  Shino snapped the ball, and Naruto dropped back three steps, handing off the Kiba, who charged forward through the offensive line.

Sasuke felt the defensive lineman smash into him again.  For the six hundredth time.  Who the hell had decided that Naruto needed to be quarterback, anyway?  Other than talking at an inhumanly high level of volume, what other qualifications did he have?  He wasn’t even saying “hut” like every other quarterback who had ever played the game.  Plus, they were just hammering away at the Jets’ defense.  There had been one pass play the entire first half, and Sasuke had been on the completely opposite side of the field.

“And the Miami Dolphins advance to the Jets’ thirty-three!” said the announcer over the public address.  “Eight-yard carry by Inuzaka.”

“Gimme the ball,” Sasuke growled as his fellow Dolphins went back to the huddle.  “You know I can do this.”

“All right,” Naruto nodded.  “Don’t regret it.”

After Naruto clapped his hands to end the huddle, Sasuke and the other lineman approached the ball.  This time, when Naruto shrieked, “Snap the ball!”, Sasuke made only the lightest of contact with the defensive lineman opposite him, and spun around in the opposite direction, leaving the stunned defensive end behind.  He ran five yards downfield and took a quick slant left, towards midfield.  Flipping around, Sasuke’s eyes caught Naruto’s, and the blond-haired quarterback fired a long bullet towards his fellow ninja and teammate.

Sasuke caught the football as it hit him in the numbers, then turned around and charged towards the end zone.  A cornerback who looked somewhat conspicuously like a bird sprinted in his direction, looking to save the touchdown, but Shikamaru came out of nowhere to throw a key block.  “Just score, okay?” the genin grumbled lazily as Sasuke dashed away from the defender.

Sasuke nearly tripped as he dashed into the end zone, then, avoiding the showmanship that Naruto so embraced, he merely handed the ball to the nearby end judge and walked off the field as the stadium erupted into a gigantic cheer.


On the other sidelines, Fox McCloud was readying his New York Jets to get back onto offense.  Falco had missed a key tackle on that last play, letting the Dolphins’ tight end score on the play.  There was no denying it.  Fox didn’t even need to talk to his wingman as he came back to the Jets’ bench.

“Don’t worry, Fox, that isn’t going to happen again.”

Fox merely nodded at his blue friend and trotted back onto the field with the remainder of the Jets’ offense.  It was two minutes to halftime — the Jets needed a score, fast.  “What do you think, Peppy?” Fox asked in the huddle.

“Man, I’m too old for this,” Peppy wearily replied, “but if it were up to me, I’d do trips form, let it fly fast and deep.”

“Sounds good,” Fox said, calling the play.  “On three…  Break!”

Fox hurled the ball to Slippy, who hauled it past the fifty yard line before being taken down by a masked ninja.  The following play, Fox faked the handoff to Wolf and found Peppy another twenty yards deep.

“This is it,” Fox said in the ensuing huddle.  “We’re almost there.  Slippy, go for the touchdown; I’ll find you there.”  Slippy ribbied in reply and Fox clapped the huddle to an end.

After Fox received the snap, he dropped back seven steps, keeping his eyes on Wolf to keep the defense guessing.  Unfortunately, before he could locate his amphibious wingman, a defender broke through the line and smashed him to the ground, knocking his helmet clean off his head.

What?!” Naruto screamed from the sidelines.  “A FOX demon?!”  The young ninja leapt off the bench, fingers flying in seemingly random patterns.”

“Shadow Clone Jutsu!” Suddenly fifty Narutos were charging the field, each one warming up a Rasengan blast in his hands.

ESPN later showed footage of how Sun Life Stadium had been completely demolished.  The game was rescheduled for what was previous a bye week for both teams.

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