The Life and Times of Regigigas

Hidden away in a temple in the snow capped Himalayan mountains is a creature so powerful that it has the strength to move continents. Rumor has it that this creature is what broke Pangaea apart, millions of years ago, and it has been residing in its temple ever since.

…Or at least it did until it was awakened from its slumber by one Satoru Iwata. Iwata’s company had been hit with some hard times as of late, and he decided to take a special trip to the temple to pray. Not only was his company, Nintendo, taking a beating in the home video game market, his team of Pokémon had also been losing continuously to those of Sony and Microsoft. If things were to continue this way, Nintendo may have to stop making video game hardware, just as its old rival Sega had done a few years earlier.

His glasses were almost iced over, and he could barely move his legs. If it weren’t for his layers of clothing and North Face jacket, he’d probably be frozen alive by now. He wouldn’t even be there if it weren’t for his friend Ken Sugimori. After Miyamoto had been defeated in the latest Pokémon World Tournament Semi-Final, Iwata sought out Sugimori and asked him if there was any way that Nintendo could be saved. Sugimori looked away for a moment before responding. He told Iwata of a temple called “Snowpoint,” hidden deep in the Himalayas. He told Iwata that he would find his answers there, but also, for Nintendo to be saved, he would need the elemental, golem-like Regirock, Regice, and Registeel Pokémon.

Without a second thought, Iwata gathered the Regis and went off to seek out Snowpoint. At last, Iwata had finally reached the entrance. He fumbled to turn on the flashlight hanging from his coat, but when he did, he saw that the temple was even bigger on the inside than it seemed from outside. He couldn’t make anything out, save for a giant stone statue in the center of the temple. Iwata realized that this must be the idol Sugimori had told him about, and immediately headed in its direction. As he got closer and closer, he felt a shaking at his waist. Three of his Pokéballs had begun to shake uncontrollably. This is something that had never happened before. He decided the best course of action was to let the Pokémon out of their Pokéballs. As it turned out, the three agitated Pokémon were none other than Regirock, Regice, and Registeel.

Without his order, the Pokémon ran towards the giant stone idol, and once they reached it, stopped as promptly as they had started. When Iwata had finally made his way to the statue, he fell to his knees, and begged it for some way, any way, that Nintendo may be saved. As if on cue, when Iwata finished speaking, the temple began to shake, and his three Regis began to glow. The earth shook and the temple’s stone roof began to splinter and drop shards from the ceiling. There was nowhere for Iwata to escape. He could only watch helplessly as part of the roof was about to crush him.

Suddenly, the idol came to life, reached out its arm and crushed the falling rubble. Iwata couldn’t believe his eyes; was the stone idol really a Pokémon? He took out his Pokédex, and it affirmed what he already believed. The idol was indeed a Pokémon, and its name was Regigigas. It was a level 70 Pokémon with an insanely high attack stat. He could already tell that Sony and Microsoft wouldn’t stand a chance at next week’s Pokémon Championship. This Regigigas would save the tournament for Nintendo, but it would be even better if it could somehow save the company as well.

The day of the tournament arrived. Sony had already won its match, and was waiting to face the winner of a duel between Microsoft and Nintendo. Steve Ballmer stared Iwata down with an already confident smirk on his face. He had no idea what Iwata had up his sleeve. The match began, and Iwata sent out Regigigas, while Ballmer sent out Ditto. Iwata thought that this was strangely appropriate, since Microsoft seemed to copy many of Nintendo’s ideas and now they were copying Pokémon too. But Iwata wasn’t worried. All he had to do was survive three turns, and the match was his. He just had to buy time, because Regigigas intrinsically had a slow start in battles.

Predictably, Ditto used its transform ability on Ballmer’s first turn, but Iwata had another ace up his sleeve. His Pokédex said that Ditto couldn’t keep its shape if it was made to laugh. Iwata then went about making the strangest and craziest faces to get Ditto back to normal, and he succeeded. A few turns later, Regigigas was finally able to attack and knocked out the Ditto in one hit. Ballmer was down to his last Pokémon, which was a Porygon Z. However, upon being released from the Pokéball, 3 red rings appeared on Porygon Z’s chest, and Porygon Z overheated. Iwata and Regigigas were heading to the finals!

Kaz Hirai had been waiting for the chance to crush Iwata since the tournament began. He scoffed at Microsoft trying to copy Iwata’s Pokémon with a Ditto. Sony would never be that cheap. Hirai liked to use the best of the best, and he would show that to Iwata in his match. Once again, Regigigas stepped into the ring, ready to crush whatever was thrown at it. Hirai took out a Pokéball, and threw it at the court, revealing a shiny Ditto. No one could believe their eyes. They were actually seeing a shiny Pokémon. They were supposed to be incredibly rare and very valuable. Hirai proudly told his viewers that his Ditto was worth $599, then promptly had Ditto transform into a Regigigas of its own.

It was looking like a similar fight to most viewers, but Iwata knew that wasn’t the case. Microsoft had simply copied Nintendo’s Pokémon with another. Sony had done so with a shiny. Everything was different. Before Iwata could even attempt to make Hirai’s Ditto laugh, Hirai placed Sony headphones on his Ditto, and told it through a radio to avoid all eye contact with Iwata. Iwata didn’t know what to do. For 3 turns his Regigigas would be vulnerable to attack due to its slow start.

Hirai’s Ditto opened up with a hyper beam, landing a direct hit on Regigigas. Ditto had to recharge for the next turn, but promptly opened up with another Hyper beam. Regigigas was horribly beaten up, and Hirai laughed in triumph, believing that the day was his. However, a bright white light was emitting from Iwata’s Regigigas. It was so unbelievably strong, that it was impossible for anyone to see what was going on. When the light finally disappeared, there was no sign of Regigigas. In his place was a man. Regigigas had evolved. This man promptly turned to Hirai and said, “My name is Reggie. I’m about kicking ass. I’m about taking names. And we’re about making games.”

With a disgusted look, Hirai told his Ditto to attack, but the command was fruitless. Reggie could not be harmed by any attacks, ever. Reggie then began to use the move “kick ass” to annihilate Hirai’s Ditto. But Hirai wasn’t done, as he still had one Pokémon left. With a look of anger that couldn’t be matched by any other human, Hirai let loose a Master Ball, holding his most powerful Pokémon inside. Unfortunately, no one ever got to see what it was, as Reggie caught it and crushed it.

The crowd went wild! Nintendo was back on top thanks to the evolved form of Regigigas, Reggie Fils-Aime. With that done, Reggie knew it was time to save the company. He accepted a job at Nintendo of America as the Executive Vice President of Sales and Marketing, and the rest is history.