Nester64x: Unrequited Koopa Love

This piece is a fanboy satire. The views and opinions expressed herein do not state or reflect those of Nintendojo or any of its affiliates.

As my faithful readers have probably come to realize, I am quite the romantic. My understanding of love and relationships is unparalleled, surpassing any sappy french poet struck by an entire quiver of Cupid’s arrows before eating the winged little bugger for brunch. Considering this, I can’t say I’m surprised that so many of you hozers can’t appreciate Bowser’s obvious love for Princess Peach.

Sure, at the surface it looks like nothing more than obsession and kidnapping, but to those with the trained eye it is a beautiful tale of devotion in seemingly impossible odds. She’s a gorgeous princess while he is a horrendous turtle monster and every time he lays on his moves, a chubby Italian with a tasteless mustache cuts a bridge out from under him or smacks an asteroid into his face. Most men would give up and settle for a lesser woman, but it takes a true romantic to be willing to mobilize an entire kingdom’s resources to pursue the love of his life.

You might be wondering why I am so sympathetic towards Bowser’s unrequited devotion, and you may not believe it, but I can relate.

“No!” you scream. “Nester must be a total hit with the ladies! He is so awesome, a woman would have to be a total hozer to turn down his advances!”

You see, that awesomeness is part of the problem. Like Bowser, I have awe inspiring presence that makes me almost unapproachable… kind of like how the Ark of the Covenant melted all those Nazis in that one movie with Han Solo who wasn’t Han Solo but wasn’t a robot hunter either. My point being, I am too hot for the ladies to handle.

Bowser also has a couple other problems that I am thankfully free of. First of all, he is a king with many responsibilities that I imagine must be very time consuming. Sure, you might be able to head down to your local Wal*Mart and try to pick up chicks, but when you have a nation to run and kidnappings to plan, the time just isn’t there. The other major problem Bowser faces is the fact that he is a single father of a bunch of kids. Not only does this consume even more of his time, but let’s face it, most women probably aren’t looking to jump into that kind of situation. All things considered, Bowser simply doesn’t have the time for a traditional dating life, so the whole kidnapping thing is just that much more efficient.

Next time you pop in a Mario game and head off to save the princess, take a minute to pause and think about poor Bowser. Is he really that undeserving of Peach? He is, after all, royalty while Mario is a mere commoner; and while they are both devoted to Peach, Bowser is the one who keeps trying despite all the rejection, so I would say he takes the cake there as well. Mario should let the big guy have the girl for a change: Daisy is still single and let’s not forget Birdo… now there’s a catch!