Nester64x: Run ‘N Gun

Nester64x rants about the only real shooter there is: Contra.

By Nester64x. Posted 11/11/2010 13:00 Comment on this     ShareThis

Nester64x Issue 23

This piece is a fanboy satire. The views and opinions expressed herein do not state or reflect those of Nintendojo or any of its affiliates.

All right, hozers, it’s time for some truth-telling.  I’m sick of you FPS fanatics ruining the genre of shooters.  Shooters aren’t about only being able to see what’s in front of you. They’re about shooting stuff.  Any game where you can shoot stuff is a shooter, by default.

When I think of shooters, I think of the only game that defines what a shooter game is.  And when I think of this game, I’m thinking of Contra.  That’s right, folks, the best and pretty much only important shooting game was invented back in 1986 or whenever.  A game where you have to face an invading alien horde?  Check and mate.  Take THAT, Master Chief.

See, shooters aren’t about giving you motion sickness.  Why would I want to play a game where I have to barf after two minutes of play?  They’re about seeing stuff coming at you and dodging the bullets and incoming bombs are best you can, because one hit and you’re dead.  Just like in real life.  Those bullet wounds in your shoulder and stomach don’t magically heal after ten seconds in a real war zone, meatheads!

And chainsaws?  Who needs ’em?  I’m not playing the 8-bit version of Friday the 13th.  Seriously, don’t ever play that game.  If I’m playing a shooter, I don’t want to hide behind crap and sneak up on a roided-up alien and chainsaw him in half.  That’s what the gun is for.

That’s what’s awesome about guns.  You point them at the bad people and they go away.  Or preferably, explode.  Aim it at a giant, creepy-looking alien heart and let ‘er rip!  Eight stages of pure perfection that has yet to be topped.

There are other shooters that matter, sure, like Mega Man.  And yes, shut up!  I know Mega Man can take more than one hit, but that’s because robots are inherently superior to humans in that sense.  It’s a good thing we haven’t really made robots yet ’cause they’d shoot us all to pieces within five weeks.  Trust me, I’ve done simulations.

And how about Bionic Commando?  I’m not talking about the whiny wussy with dreads, I mean the nail-chomping, three-way gun blasting, Hitler-exploding original.  You aim that rocket launcher right at old Adolf’s head and it detonates in a display of pure viscerity.  See two paragraphs above for how awesome that is.  Oh, and then he goes away, for good this time.

So, people, stop making yourselves sick and trying to punch or chainsaw people in games that are about bullets.  Time to play a REAL game, about REAL men shooting REAL aliens.

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