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This piece is a fanboy satire. The views and opinions expressed herein do not state or reflect those of Nintendojo or any of its affiliates.
Buttons.
Sticks.
Knobs.
Triggers.
These things make are what make gaming machines work, so when Apple tries to talk up their touch only phones and pad thingies I only have one thing to say… HOZERS!
I’ve played around with my fair share of those fancy phones, something I wouldn’t have to do if Nintendo made a phone, and as a gamer I am curious so I try a new game every now and again and every time I seriously contemplate never gaming again. It’s sad that such poor execution can bring a gamer of my magnitude to their knees.
The first time I picked up an iPhone and booted up a game, I immediately gravitated to the device’s single button. I figured all the games had to be super simple to only use button, but… whatever, simple games can be decent. So, I press the button and the game crashes and now I’m thinking it’s just a simple error. I try the game again, hit the button and the same thing happens. Several hours and a few dozen attempts later I realize that this button is meant to close the game…
WHAT THE FUDGE!!!!
Buttons are supposed to make things happen in the games, not kill the dang game.
Regardless, I still try to understand what all these button hating n00bs see in these crummy little games. Everybody was talking about Angry Birds so I went ahead and figured I might as well take the opportunity to pass judgment after giving it a shot. After closing out of the game nine times I finally got into the bird flinging “fun”. I immediately ran into a major problem cause by godly fingers. You see, as a result of my countless years spent jamming on buttons while playing totally awesome games, my fingers have become massive, herculean behemoths capable of crushing diamonds and prying open the vaults of Fort Knox. Whenever I tried to pull back the stupid birds, the stupid game couldn’t properly read the length or angle I’m looking for. Being the beast that I am, I know I am always lining every shot up absolutely perfectly but the stupid game would just launch everything straight into the ground.
And that is how you can tell that touch only controls simply don’t work– I don’t own face with them. If something works properly, I will always be super awesome at it without exception. Sure, these games might be cheap and convenient and that might be enough for some hozers, but until I can play can have fun and make everybody else look bad, nobody should be playing them.
All joking aside however, I have a love/hate relationship with touch screens. I live with Fibromyalgia and myofascial pain syndrome, and as a result am pretty prone to severe muscle pain after too much button bashing, so touch screens are really helpful in games such as Zelda :Spirit Tracks.
However there’s a big difference between stylus capable touchscreens and the electrostatic “finger” screens, the imprecision of the fingertip on such a small screen, ugh. I bought the remake of Final Fantasy for iPhone, and ended up deleting it after 10 minutes, as navigating the cramped menus was downright annoying.
Yeah, the “finger” screens really seem practical for certain games– that is, games were precision really isn’t important. I actually have Mega Man 2 for my iPod touch, and as you can imagine, it really, really sucks to play. It’s a difficult game even with buttons, so … yes.
The thing is that they are really different formats. Some things that are great on my DSi XL would be absolutely horrible on my iPhone (Shantae and Cave Story come to mind). I think the difference is whether the developer does realize that a touch screen cannot replicate buttons as I have yet to find a game with a decent virtual joystick. Some are ok, but none have anywhere near the precision of good old-fashioned buttons.