In a world where there’s a video game about several Nintendo video game characters converging to fight each other, there’s a Hollywood executive looking to cash in not too far behind. This would be all well and good but, well knowing Hollywood, the franchise would be forever ruined. Hell, look what they did to Transformers! However, just because they’re ruining our childhoods one movie at a time, doesn’t mean they’re going to stop anytime soon. And you know all know eventually they’re going to get onto a Super Smash Brothers bandwagon. They will make a trilogy (or maybe quadrilogy if another one comes out) about this franchise based on the adventure modes of Super Smash Bros. Melee and Super Smash Bros. Brawl. At least, the last two will be based on that.
The first one, which is the one I’m focusing on, is another story. This one will have to have a story invented about the worlds colliding at the whims of a fanboy (Master Hand) and go from there. This could have the potential to be a very fascinating movie when you think about it. Like Toy Story Meets Mortal Kombat Meets Nintendo. Something along those lines, just bear with me for now. Knowing Hollywood, this may be ruined horribly, but let’s pretend that Hollywood will get a clue and not put Uwe Boll as director or Michael Bay. That’s where the casting couch comes in.
Now with my pretentious beret and ridiculous looking Hollywood shades on, I am going to play Casting Director and give my best possible choices for actors (or voice actors) to play each character for the first installment of the imagined Super Smash Bros. Trilogy. So let’s begin on those casting calls!
Mario— For everyone’s favorite plumber, you need someone who is not only average looking but is also someone you can believe could be an action hero. They may not look the part but you can see them getting into an action hero mode. They’re not muscly and have ideal leading man looks, but they’re the heart of Nintendo one way or another. Bob Hoskins previous portrayed him and looked the part and Ron Jeremy looks the part as well, but…yeah, let’s not go there. Also, this has been the hardest one to cast on top of that and the last person I thought of to be the role of Mario is John C. Reilly, which sounds weird since he’s not Italian, but he’s the only guy I can think of.
Link — If Mario is the heart of Nintendo then Link is the soul. Link is the Hero of Time, the holder of the Triforce of Courage, and looks damn good in green. For Link you need someone who can do a quiet, understated performance. A big motto for Link is someone who speaks softly and carries a big stick, in the words of Theodore Roosevelt. Plus, Link is an easy fangirl target so someone who looks pretty is a big plus. I think the best choice for Link has to be either Orlando Bloom or Jude Law. While Bloom would seem to be the obvious choice, I’m gong to go with Jude Law here. Something about the eyes just really works for me.
Samus — Everybody’s favorite bounty hunter, Samus would be a perfect role for Sigourney Weaver if she was only just 10-20 years younger. After all, Lt. Ellen Ripley WAS the inspiration behind Samus Aran in a lot of ways. For Samus, you need a woman who’ll take no bull from anybody and is kind of a cold and calculating girl. Samus would likely be hidden in her suit most of the time, but with Hollywood, they’ll want a Big Reveal of Samus’ gender. Looking up a decent sum of actresses, I think the only one I can imagine taking the role of Samus and doing something special with it is probably Uma Thurman who has had experience in Kill Bill Vol. I and II. She can be quite the action star and has the statuesque look that Samus has gained over the years.
Fox— The role of Fox McCloud would be something very different in which a combination of motion capturing and makeup would probably need to be used. You don’t want it to be totally CGI, since that’s borderline creepy looking. Then again, so is makeup. However, the art of motion capturing has done wonders in Rise of the Planet of the Apes and Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers and Return of the King. Andy Serkis would be the idea pick for the motion capturing, but that’s too easy. For Fox, you want someone who’s a little on the sensitive side but has a determination to them and seems like a good-humored everyman. He’s the perfect cross between both the Mario brothers. As a kid, I always thought that Michael J. Fox would be great in this role but that was for reasons of punning goodness. Right now, the closest I can think of who could come to that thought is probably Joseph Gordon-Levitt, who has that sweetness that is so likable. At least on a voice level.
Donkey Kong — Yet another motion capturing role. For Donkey Kong, you need a big dude. He’s also likely the oldest of the bunch on top of that. Donkey Kong is like the elder who packs a mean punch after all these years. He’s not someone to really mess with. You need a deep booming voice for Donkey Kong. James Earl Jones is too classy sounding and Keith David sounds more stoic. For some reason, I’m getting a vibe for Brad Garrett voice in this one. It may not be the right move but I think it’s the only person I can really think of.
The 2013 Oscars red carpet is set to look very different from previous years.
Pikachu — This one is going to be voiceless except for saying its name. Sorry. No, just no.
Kirby — Ditto on this one. Kirby only does those baby-like voices. Besides, I think of Kirby like a fun silent actor to watch like Buster Keaton and Charlie Chaplin. Having him speak would just ruin it.
Yoshi — I’ve thought about the idea of giving Yoshi a voice, but then I remember that earsplittingly awful voice that he was given in the Super Mario World cartoon and I shudder. I can’t do it in good conscience.
And now for the 4 Unlockable Characters!
Jigglypuff — Jigglypuff should stay voiceless save for its name. I’d be open to a singing voice idea but I think I’ll refrain from that since while I do enjoy music and dissecting it to the bone, I don’t think I’d be the best at music casting.
Luigi — For Luigi, you have to have a comedic actor. I’m not saying this because he’d be the butt monkey of the gang, I’m saying this because I think only a comedic actor could have the potential to cover the range of emotions that Luigi seems to go through every day. Dramatic roles are pretty easy in comparison to comedy so you need to get a comedic actor to play those comedy scenes right. Also, Luigi has to be taller than Mario. While 1980s Tom Hanks would be perfect, I think the next best thing is probably Paul Rudd, who is a comedic actor but also has shown a tenderness about him in some movies. Plus, he kind of looks like he could be Luigi with the right stache.
Ness — Eagleland’s hero is a hard one for me to cast because I’m not super familiar with child actors. However, I did see Hugo recently and the kid in that seemed to do a pretty good job. Looking up his name, it’s Asa Butterfield. So let’s just go with that. However, if any of you guys have any better actor choices, then by all means comment away and help me out with this. So for now, it’s Asa Butterfield as Ness.
Captain Falcon — To me, Captain Falcon always sounded like Zapp Branigan to me except with a much deeper voice and more pomposity than you could shake a stick at. So basically, the ideal man to do Captain Falcon would’ve been the late Phil Hartman. Unfortunately, Phil Hartman was murdered in 1998, a tragedy of epic proportions in the world of comedy (while Hartman didn’t do the voice of Branigan, he was supposed to and the character was basically made specifically for him). So now we’re stuck at square one. So for Captain Falcon, could anybody get the right line of pompous egotism? Maybe not, but if you can put in a few dashes of pure stupid in there, you could get something awesome. And I think that Patrick Warburton would be the best for this role. If you’d seen him as Kronk in The Emperor’s New Groove, you’ll understand. Maybe this is just my own opinion of his personality and I’m probably completely wrong, but just let me have this, dammit!
And so the casting call has been done. Agree? Disagree? Want to hear about my opinions of Brawl and Melee characters? Comment away with your choices. I’m sure you guys would do a far better job than me. I have a few really WTF picks, but I stand by my Link pick.
So until next time, let us all hope that this movie idea never happens….