Nester64x: CONSOLE WARZ!!1

Nester reminisces on the good old days of SNES vs. Sega Genesis.

By Nester64x. Posted 08/25/2010 10:19 2 Comments     ShareThis

Nester64x Issue 12

This piece is a fanboy satire. The views and opinions expressed herein do not state or reflect those of Nintendojo or any of its affiliates.

Most people will agree, the 16-bit generation was totally awesome because SNES was the human race’s greatest accomplishment at the time, and its games were some of the best ever. I appreciate that stuff as much as the next Nintendo loyalist, but I loved it for another reason– the console war! Sure, there have been console wars in every generation, but nothing matched the epic battle between SNES and Sega Genesis.

I remember the great war consuming my life throughout elementary school; every recess we would gather at the battle line drawn in the sand box and partake in mortal combat. Speaking of that, I remember some hozer talking about how the Genesis version of Mortal Kombat was so much better than the SNES version because Sega allowed all the blood and gore. Being the sophisticated person that I am, I reminded him that while violence might make for “mature” content, such gruesome material is actually quite juvenile from an intellectual and philosophical perspective.

Then he claimed Vector Man was better than Super Metroid so I punched him in the face.

I spent a great deal of time pwning n00bs in every video game debate I came across. In fact, I’m pretty sure I was the first person to use the words “pwn” and “n00b”. Some people claim it was only because of my speech impediment and the fact I was supposedly “semi-literate” at the time, but I know that I was simply too smart and found the typical use of the English language to be mundane.

Getting back to the war, while I enjoyed it, I couldn’t understand how anybody could possibly support Sega. Think about it, a blue hedgehog who runs really fast… seriously? That’s just ridiculous. Everything about Mario was so much better and made more sense. And then there were the RPGs. We had Final Fantasy and Breath of Fire while those hozers had stupid games like Shining This and Phantasy That. How good can a game be when the developers don’t even know how to use spell check? Of course there were also the controllers: Sega’s was an awkward mess while Nintendo’s heavenly controller rocked because the shoulder buttons felt like triggers and triggers are on guns and guns are cool.

Thankfully Sega was ultimately able to admit defeat with some level of class and realize that all their games would be so much better on Nintendo systems. Look at the Sonic series, ever since they started coming out on Nintendo systems they have just been getting better and better. Eggman is such a cooler name than Dr. Robotnik, Sonic turning into a slow, lumbering creature made it so I could actually follow his movements, and Big the Cat is easily the coolest non-Nintendo character ever.

2 Responses to “Nester64x: CONSOLE WARZ!!1”

  • 45 points
    poptart says...

    I thought the great war of yesteryear was between the CDi vs. 3DO vs 32X vs TurboDuo.Trip Hawkins alone made that war an entertaining one. But in all reality, there was true mutual hate between owners of those consoles (Snes vs Genesis). I dropped many friendships because they owned that other system I could not stand to look at. I owned both the master system and NES but the line was clearly drawn when it came to choose a 16-bit console.

    Thumb up 0
  • 87 points
    chrisbg99 says...

    As a veteran of the Great 16-Bit War (SNES in my case), I actually didn’t get a lot of front-line combat. While I was a big gamer, Nintendo was, in my small town in the middle of North Dakota, more or less the dominant console. And either way not many people played games as much as I did.

    Thumb up 0

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