Hot Air: Sucked

Dracula– the man, the myth, the undead legend.  This fictional character has had quite a run in several different media forms, hasn’t he?  But did you know his run in Castlevania is possibly his longest to date?  And that’s including the movies “Bride of Dracula” and “Son of Dracula.”

Let’s take a look at the fictional timeline of Dracula, the character from the actual book Dracula:

1479: Some guy named Vlad III Drakula fought to regain rule of Wallachia from the Ottoman Empire.  He executed people who had fought against or displeased him by impaling them, earning him the nickname “Vlad Tepes,” or “the Impaler.”  For some reason, people did not respond well to this.

1897: Count Dracula, who may or may not be the same dude, met this English guy and totally decided to boff his girlfriend.  Then, the guy and his friends came back to Castle Dracula to stomp the Count into the ground.  Victorian readers spent most of the book snickering behind their hands since the sucking blood and stuff was actually a metaphor for… sex (snicker).

Now, here is the somewhat more convoluted Castlevania timeline.

1094: Two knights return from the Crusades and, when one of their women is kidnapped by a vampire, journey into the Forest of Eternal Night to make him go squish.  One of them was the first Belmont, the other was Dracula.  Spoiler: He later became evil.

1397: Dracula, after having been mostly quiet these three centuries, marries a woman named Lisa and fathers a son, Adrian Farenheight Tepes, who would later become known as “Alucard.’  Fun fact: Alucard also invented the temperature scale that is now the US standard.

1450: Young Sonia Belmont swears revenge on the Count after her grandfather is slaughtered by his servants.  She meets Alucard and… does stuff with him, and swears that her descendants will fight Dracula if he ever shows up again.  Misogynist revisionists are trying to keep this chapter in Dracula’s history under wraps, but REAL vampire historians will always know the truth!

1472: Alucard’s mother, Lisa, is burned at the stake as a witch for trying to help sick people.  Her last words to her son are, “Do not hate humans. If you cannot live with them, then at least do them no harm, for theirs is already a hard lot.”  After being resurrected and learning of this, Dracula is understandably vexed and declares war on the human race.

1476: Dracula uses his sorcery to try to create a bad world filled with evil.  Trevor C. Belmont, son of Sonia Belmont and … someone else (wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no more), both of whom had been asked to leave Wallachia due to their freakish strength, comes back to save the beleaguered townspeople with the help of ex-pirate Grant DaNasty, wizard Sypha Belnades, and some half-vampire dude named Alucard that he’s never met before.  Trivia: Trevor was known as “Ralph” during his college days because of his tendency to drink five hogsheads of beer and then furiously upchuck out a third-story window.

1479: Some dude that used to work for Dracula named Hector swears vengeance on his former companion Isaac, who apparently killed Hector’s wife (sensing a pattern here), but finds out that the whole situation is a plot by Death, Dracula’s most trusted servant (how does that work, anyway?  Death works for Dracula?) to resurrect the Count.  Having failed, Death puts Dracula into Isaac’s body and Hector whomps him.  Trevor Belmont shows up later after everything’s already happened and feels dumb.

1576: Christopher Belmont takes up the Vampire Killer and stops Dracula again from taking over all of Eastern Europe.  This is especially impressive as Christopher was remarkably slow and uncoordinated for a Belmont, though he made up for this by having a whip that shot fireballs.

1591: Dracula gets shrewd and kidnaps Christopher’s son and tries to turn him into a demon.  BIG MISTAKE.  Christopher took down all four of Dracula’s castles, restored his son to normal, and made sure that nothing bad would ever happen again in Europe, EVER.

1691: Until now.  Dracula rises again and tries to murder people and stuff.  Fortunately, Christopher’s great-grandson Simon Belmont writes the book on vampire-slaying, taking it straight to the Count in the heart of Castlevania, duking it out one-on-one with the Prince of Darkness, and making everything hunky-dory.

1698: …or so we thought.  Turns out that Dracula had set a curse upon Simon and Transylvania, making both the land and Simon himself weaken and putrefy.  Simon went on walkabout, dealing with townspeople outright lying to him about stuff, then collected the five dismembered body parts of Dracula and resurrected the Count himself, showing him who was boss yet again.  Problem SOLVED.

1748: Juste Belmont’s retarded friend Maxim decides that the best way to prove he’s strong is to prematurely bring back Dracula on his own and thrash him.  This plan surprisingly backfires, and Dracula possesses Maxim’s body.  Later, Juste comes back from two years of intensive whip training and takes care of some business.

1792: Unable to wait any longer, a fanatical cult resurrects Dracula yet AGAIN, and Richter Belmont straps on his headband and wades into the fray along with pre-pubescent Maria Renard.  Dracula retaliates by turning Richter’s girlfriend Annette into a vampire herself, forcing Richter to murder her with his bare hands.  Then he reminds Richter that “It was not by my will that I am once again MADE FLESH.”

1797: Who’s the cat that won’t cop out when there’s danger all about?  That’s right, ‘talking ’bout Shaft!  And when he decided to revivify Dracula again almost immediately after his latest demise, he takes Richter captive as part of his plot.  It’s up to Alucard and a more mature Maria to save the day and destroy Dracula’s mind-bending, evil upside-down castle.

1800: This nun named Shanoa, from the order of Ecclesia, tries to create this big-ass Glyph called Dominus to destroy Dracula once and for all,  Then, when it’s finally made, it turns out that Barlowe, head of the Order, decided what everyone actually wants is a bad world filled with evil and was going to bring back Dracula all along.  His plan was not a huge success.

1830: These three non-Belmont vampire hunters take up the challenge to defeat Dracula and company since no one else is around to do it.  Predictably, Dracula swears he will return as long as there is evil in men’s hearts.  He will follow through shortly.

1844: A werewolf named Cornell goes to rescue his sister from Dracula’s evil plot and invades Castlevania.  For some reason, the castle seems more detailed and complicated now than it would in the future…

1852: This German dude named Reinhardt and a girl named Carried invade Castlevania to search for missing children from a nearby village.  It was neither Dracula’s greatest moment, nor the Belmonts’, but the day was eventually saved, so at least there’s that.

1897: Count Dracula met this English guy and totally decided to boff his girlfriend.  Then, the guy and his friends came back to Castle Dracula to stomp the Count into the ground…  Yeah, this is part of the Castlevania timeline, too, although there isn’t a game based on it.  Texan Quincy Morris is allegedly a descendant of Simon Belmont, too!  BONUS!

1917: Quincy’s son John Morris takes up the whip when Dracula’s alleged niece, Elizabeth Bartley, tries to revive Drac yet again during World War I.  His childhood friend Eric Lecarde helps out, and in the end, we discover that vampires were actually the cause of the war in the first place.  Bet you didn’t learn that in history class!

1944; When Castlevania is summoned again due to the anguish and chaos of World War II, John’s son Jonathan Morris and magician Charlotte Aulin face off against a new vampire, Brauner, who is trying to hold back Dracula to take Castlevania for himself.  That plan goes awry, and the two have to face off against Dracula and the Grim Reaper in the final battle.

1999: Julius Belmont squares off against the Count in a climactic battle that has yet to be recounted fully, but you can bet some whacked-out stuff happened.

2035: Exchange student Soma Cruz and his friend Mina get sucked into Castlevania when a gathering of possible “Dark Lord” candidates is held.  This dude named Graham Jones thinks he’s the front-runner, but turns out the Soma himself is the reincarnation of Dracula.  He’s somehow able to restrain his bloodthirsty impulses and everything comes up roses…

2036: This crazy lady tries to start a cult because she’s disappointed that Dracula didn’t murder all those people last year, so she made a replica of the castle and called together some more little dark lordlings.  Things didn’t turn out so well for them, as Soma and his friends totally tore the place UP.

10000: Castlevania:  Judgment happens.  BFD.