Hot Air: Futured

Wow, guys, it’s been a fantastic thirty years, hasn’t it?

As I look back at the last three decades of columns, a few of them stand out in my mind.  Let’s take a second together to go over some of the most important of the first half of the twenty-first century — and that started in 2001, you whippersnappers!

June 21, 2011: Pakistan invaded Greenland.  This week’s Hot Air was about the lack of the spread gun in the 3DS version of Contra 5.

December 22, 2013: Metal Gear Solid 5D: The Nakedest Sample was released for 3DS.  My column was about how Mario needs more in-depth character development.  Wario made a guest appearance.  He was not in favor of it.

February 4, 2014: Nintendo bought out Capcom.  Hot Air: Sidearmed was about how Mega Man now had a new exclusive home, coupled with a look ahead at MegaMan Legends 4.

March 24, 2017: The US officially recognized corporations as nuclear entities.  This column looked at which small island nation Nintendo would next conquer.

May 15, 2018: The “Law and Order: SVU” edition of Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney hit store shelves.  I railed against the realistic depiction of deviant sexual behavior, but was in favor of the in-depth, violent interrogation mini-games featuring Dick Gumshoe, as it brought a needed new element to the series.

October 10, 2020: Nintendo opened the first of its new chain of love hotels in St. Louis, MO.  I was on the scene with an in-depth report.  And they had bidets!

December 7, 2021: A day which shall live in infamy.  The first Sonic game featuring Big the Cat as the only player character was released.  My column touched on how remarkably slow the gameplay was.

July 11, 2022: Two months after North Taiwan launched its unprovoked nuclear strike against Japan, the Nintendo refugees found their new headquarters in Atchison, KS, making yours truly the only staffer who has access on-site.  Hot Air: Miyamotoed was the first exclusive interview with the 70-year-old game designer since the incident.

November 14, 2024: The first-ever FPS featuring Mario is released.  My exclusive review of Mario Shooters is published.

March 18, 2027: Hot Air: Voiced is written about my experience portraying a villager in the newest Zelda game.

September 12, 2030: Nintendo’s new Veearr console, featuring patented Brain-Synch Technology is released, allowing players to literally experience the exploits of their favorite game characters.

Zazzzuran 16, 2032: I write my review of Metal Gear Naked: Snake’s Revenge.  The new 14th month of Zazzzuran is also invented.