The Console Wars of 2032

We bring you a missive from a future that might be.

By Matthew Tidman. Posted 10/04/2010 14:43 Comment on this     ShareThis

The Console Wars of 2032

Writer’s Note: The following story has been transcribed from a curious device that was found in a wooded area outside of south Redmond, Washington.

Welcome to the world as it shouldn’t be. Welcome to hell.

Who am I? That doesn’t matter right now. I would have been just like you in another time– just a carefree gamer looking for the next hit game on the horizon. I might be openly debating with my friends on whether Wii should have achievements or why graphics weren’t as important as solid gameplay. I live in a different world than you, though. I live in a world where Microsoft and Sony are constantly at war with each other, and Nintendo is an entity of the past.

How did this happen? The console wars of 2029 came suddenly and unexpectedly. At E3 ’29, every major company brought its new home console. While Nintendo was quickly named the winner of show, its competitors didn’t take it lightly. In what would later become known as the E3 massacre, the Xbox 1080 and PlayStation 5 simultaneously came to life, and using state of the art technology and super-human intelligence, they eliminated almost every single man, woman and booth babe present. It is reported that Reggie Fils-Aime was the last to die, and he did so heroically, holding off both consoles so that Shigeru Miyamoto could escape.

But the machines did not stop there. Over the next eight weeks, the PlayStation Collective captured and enslaved most of Japan and the surrounding countries, creating a solid base of power from which to launch an unprovoked assault upon Asia and then Europe. Within two years, the entire European block had been conquered, and citizens of the various countries forced into servitude of its digital mistress, Sonya67101. Any human unlucky enough to be captured qas turned into a mindless drone, euphemistically known as a “Sony Fanboy.” It is truly a fate worse than death.

The former Americas did not fare much better. Starting from its secret base in Redmond Washington, the Xbrain created an army of Xbots programmed to do one thing, and one thing only: kill. They quickly swarmed and destroyed most of North America, slaughtering innocents by the millions. A Red Ring of Death was the last thing those poor people saw. Once North America was conquered, the Xbots made short work of Central and South America, before setting out on an expedition to conquer Australia—an expedition that was successful.

Africa was the last safe haven for humanity. It was supposed to be our staging ground, a place where we could live and grow until we could claim victory over the machines. But Microsia and Greater Sonia formed a truce and eradicated the population of those ill-fated conclaves. Not a single human escaped.

China has become the last contested area with any human presence. Neither machine faction can gain a foothold because both relied heavily upon the country for manufacturing in the early days. A group of freedom fighters have formed here, dedicated to throwing down the tyranny of both consoles. Founded by the late Shigeru Miyamoto, we take the weapons he left us and defend an almost-lost humanity on the verge of extinction.

Hopefully this message reaches you and this future never happens. But if it doesn’t, never forget this: games should be fun.

I have to leave before the Xbots and Sony Fanboys arrive. I won’t be able to send any more messages back as if either faction were able to copy this device it would break the stalemate. I can hear them coming.

The device broke into static and if any further recorded material exists it is not to be found.

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