Vengeance of Tatanga

In honor of Super Mario Land’s rerelease on Nintendo eShop, here’s an article straight from the Tatanga-ruled skies.

By Andrew Hsieh. Posted 06/28/2011 20:00 1 Comment     ShareThis

Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Before I begin, let me just say how glad I am that you’ve decided to choose Tatanga Airlines. We know that there are ever so many airlines to choose from in these dark, dilapidated days, and we’re very happy that you’re giving all of your hard-earned cash to Tatanga. As well as your baggage– thanks for checking it in with us. You’ll never see it again.

Ha ha! It’s a joke. I expect laughter.

Much better. Though your laughter was particularly fake, Man in the Green Hat. Yes, you. Stop.

There’s many a misconception about Tatanga Airlines that I’m glad you’ve decided to ignore. First, the allegations made recently by Toadsworth that we are, in fact, run by an evil extraterrestrial supervillain who’s been in hiding since 1989 are completely false. As though we’d reveal ourselves so easily like that, am I right? I mean, seriously. Besides, it’s Toadsworth telling you this. Would you really believe that man? This is the same one who sat by back in the Delfino days, telling Mario to pick up litter and clean up the beach or whatever it is he did. Instead of helping, he sat there beneath some palm tree or something-or-other and sweated. We’re talking about some dark days, ladies and gentlemen. Meanwhile, Tatanga Airlines has given half of all proceeds to charity. Specifically, a charity that helps displaced aliens return home, where they so desperately wish to be, instead of lost in this forsaken place we call the Mushroom Kingdom. It’s a very good cause, you know.

Which brings us to our second point. We are not, as King Koopa has so generously stated, in cahoots with the Koopa Kingdom’s schemes. While we would like nothing less than to be affiliated with such beastly and somewhat smelly creatures– what a honor, might I add– we’re not nearly good enough to be in such company. Tatanga Airlines is a humble group of like-minded people who would never try to kidnap princesses nor attack cities nor kidnap lots of Boos and stick them in a haunted house. We’re also not so gauche as to force heroes to rescue said princesses by running through facsimiles of Ancient Egypt, just to prove their heroism. That last bit was something Toadsworth came up with recently, actually. Isn’t it hilarious? Ha ha! And so satirical! Ha ha! And also insensitive. Terribly so.

I refuse to acknowledge this shroom-swilling nitwit.

Finally, while we have the utmost respect for Sky Pop Airways, especially as the company is run by none other than our favorite denim-overalled hero– why are you cheering, Man in the Green Hat? stop– we have no choice but to vehemently deny Sky Pop’s accusations that we had any part in the recent galaxy-shattering events that Miss Rosalina engaged in. Actually, and I do hope you accept my apology for this, dear passengers– Sky Pop’s accusations are rather personal to me. You see, I’ve been captaining this airship for almost twenty-two years. After living in Sarasaland for a little while, I immigrated here, to the Mushroom Kingdom, and I’ve always done my duty as a citizen. Paid my taxes, planted my Super Mushrooms. I won first prize at a Fire Flower gardening contest! But now, Sky Pop dares to accuse me of being an illegal immigrant. An illegal immigrant! I have my papers. What evidence do they have, besides some kind of geological evidence that this plane is supposedly from outer space? If anything they should be happy that I’ve decided to bring my magical inventions to the Mushroom Kingdom. Why, Tatanga Airlines provides at least a fourth of all air traffic in the Mushroom Kingdom! Not even King Koopa can beat that, and he takes a good deal of all the traffic with that silly clownship of his.

Sniff. I’m sorry, I’m getting very emotional. Please forgive your captain.

It’s just that I haven’t been out in a while. I never have a chance to go out anymore, what with King Koopa closely monitoring all villanous activity. Apparently he holds a monopoly on it, and won’t even let me sign up for one brief raid on a Toad House. I told myself– I told myself that I’d be back in the game someday. Finally get myself a nice wife, some kids. A nice castle in the sky, by World 9-4. I’d name it Chez Tanga, after my dad. I’d finally hang up my steering wheel and live in luxury for the rest of my life. But no, King Koopa says. It’s his turn now. I had my chance at glory, and I guess I wasn’t cool or hip or whatever the kids say now. Apparently being a giant dinosaur means you’re never passe. Huh. As if I’m any worse. It’s probably because I’m purple.

Ah, but we really should get back on topic.

The weather’s pretty clear, according to those dolts at the Mushroom Meteorological Institute, though in my experience it’ll change as we pass over the Thousand-Year-Door. Something crazy’s always happening down there, what with all the Star Powers that Mario’s always using. For now, though, it’s sunny, and if I had windows to roll down I’d ask you lot to all take a look outside. Ah, but who am I kidding? I’m the only one who can see in here. The rest of you must be squished, but if you wanted comfort, you’d take Sky Pop Airways, wouldn’t you? Hah! Only kidding, of course, Mario would probably be sitting on you.

Seriously, Green Hat. You can pipe down. What are you, part of the Mario fan club? Huh? His brother? Huh. Well, I’d never have guessed. That changes everything.

Well, folks, it looks like your captain’s back in the game. Please ignore the previous captain you heard speaking. Consider him a druggie, or at least someone who was ashamed of being an illegal immigrant. Due to a certain change of plans, i.e. the presence of prime blackmail material in my airship, I have decided to set a course for Sarasaland– the former place of my residence, and somewhere that should be very familiar to a certain plumbing hero. Do not attempt to resist. The sphinxes are, in fact, alive, and the fish are quite unkillable. We will land in Chai, where my palace guards will provide decent living accomodations for you all that may or may not involve being chained to a quickly-moving dragon while being pelted by my Princess Daisy robots. (I refuse to defend my personal foibles.) I will send a missive posthaste to the Mushroom Kingdom letting Mario know what has transpired– and show up that overgrown turtle once and for all with my evilness.

Yes, I’m an illegal immigrant. No, I’m not easily satisfied. And just because I’m purple and friendly-looking doesn’t mean I can’t be an evil genius. I’m no Barney the Dinosaur. I’m Tatanga. And I’m here for my vengeance.

Please make sure your seat backs and tray tables are locked in their upright positions. And let’s go down.

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