Super Iran-Contra Affair

The Iran-Contra Scandal affected both America and the world in many numerous ways.  Not only in the sense that American trust in the Presidency was palpably lessened, but also in the ways that we looked at our video games.  What follows is a timeline of the events in the alleged conspiracy…

October 1980 – The Reagan campaign allegedly makes a secret agreement with Iranian terrorists to keep their hostages through the end of the 1980 election in return for promised arms sales.  What wasn’t commonly known is that the “hostages” were actually extraterrestrial, alien spies captured by Iranian human loyalists.

January 1981 – The “hostages” are released as Ronald Reagan takes the oath of office.  In truth, they were taken to secret internment camps in Colorado where they were forcibly interrogated.

August 1985  – The first shipment of weapons is sent from Israel to Tehran to assist arming the Iranians in the upcoming campaign against the alien invaders.

December 1985 – President Reagan secretly signs a pledge to aid in stemming the suspected invasion of South America.  He also expresses intent to send weapons as needed to the Iranians.

January 1986  – Reagan issues a signing statement authorizing the CIA to participate in the sales and to begin advance scouting of the projected landing sites.

April 1986  – White House aide, former Lt. Col. Oliver North writes up a plan to share $12 million in funds with the Contra project in South America.

May 1987  – National security advisor Robert McFarlane testifies before Congress that President Reagan instructed his staff to find ways around the ban on U.S. military aid to the Contra forces.  McFarlane does not mention in his testimony that this aid consisted largely of spread guns and laser rifles, both of which were classified technology at the time.

Ask not what your country can do for you– when it’s this badass.

July 1987  – Red Falcon touches down in the central Amazon.  Due to the efforts of Reagan’s intense media cover-up, the biggest news story of the day is the upcoming season of “ALF.”

October 1987  – Eschewing all concern for personal safety and propriety, Reagan, along with Lt. Col. North, parachute bare-chested into the Amazon jungle and take the fight directly to Red Falcon’s troops.

Late October 1987  – After plowing through the jungle,
two bases, and strangely, an arctic forest in the middle of the Amazon, Reagan and North stumble across Red Falcon’s secret headquarters.

Early November 1987  – Reagan and North set off the most devastating explosion ever seen south of the equator, torching all remaining aliens in the process.
Their work done, the two are finally able to put shirts
back on.