Nester64x: Oedipus Prime

Nester unveils the unsettling side of the baby Metroid, and maybe himself as well.

By Nester64x. Posted 06/14/2011 11:00 Comment on this     ShareThis

Oedipus Prime Nester masthead

As a non-hozer of great intellectual awesomeness, I sometimes find myself staying awake deep into the night as I ponder life’s great questions. Usually I am trying to solve world hunger or figuring out how to fix the economy but recently I have been focusing on a much more important matter– What is up with the baby Metroid from Metroid II and Super Metroid?

Go ahead and play coy you hozer, but you know what I am talking about. They tell us that the little energy sucker thinks Samus is his/her/its mother, but I’m telling you that there is more going on there. You see, there is this old Greek story called Oedipus Rex, which is tragically lacking in large carnivorous dinosaurs but features plenty of unexpected incest… which is probably the best kind of incest.

If that Metroid does in fact have a “thing” for Samus, it obviously isn’t quite as bad as Oedipus’ exploits due to the fact that the Metroid is kind of adopted… and another species… and I’m not even sure if those kind of relationships are even possible between people and Metroids. Regardless of such, if this is the case then it still is kind of creepy because no matter what you may think, it is morally questionable to have the hots for your adoptive parents.

Samus Aran two forms, artwork
“Samus… have I ever told you that I love the way the light bounces off your metal armor?”

Now, why do I think the baby Metroid isn’t quite as innocent as one might expect? Well, there are a couple of reasons. First of all, let’s get one simple thing out of the way, Samus Aran is HAWT!!!!! Samus is a totally badass babe who has that femme fatale thing going on for her more so than anybody ever. Considering this it is kind of hard to blame the Metroid, especially if he had a chance to check out the secret endings of the games.

Another thing to take into consideration is the fact that Metroids suck, literally. These creatures are energy sucking parasites, so they base their entire existence around clamping onto people and doing all kinds of nasty hozer things. Now I’ve had the same level of attraction to my SNES that every HARDCORE gamer goes through in their lives but I’d be willing to guess that that Austrian psychological dude with all the cigars would agree with me when I say that the baby Metroid has issues when it comes to intimacy! Remember baby, Samus is one babe that flies solo.

Getting back on topic, something else to consider is the fact that Samus is kind of a crummy mom. How would you feel if your mother gave you to a bunch of creepy old scientists to be experimented on? I bet you would be a lot less willing to risk your life to save such a mother, unless of course if you had other interests in the woman.

Now get out your filthy hozer minds out of the gutter.

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