Dear Diary: Notes of a Villain

Joseph journeys into the minds of Nintendo’s Most Wanted.

By Joseph Nelson. Posted 07/20/2012 14:00 Comment on this     ShareThis

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It's good to be the kingThe following is a transcript of a drunken message left by Bowser on Princess Peach’s answering machine.

Hey, Peach, it’s me. I’m know it’s late and you’re probably not in, but I just called to say…I love you! I know you’re sick of hearing it, but I can’t help my feelings! I may be drinking, but this is not the alcohol talking, okay? This is all me, and I mean it all. I may be big and ugly, but inside, beneath this spiked shell and scaly armour, I still have a heart. A heart that beats only for you. I’ve tried to forget, I’ve tried to pretend, but I can’t keep denying it and hoping that my love for you will go away. I have everything else I could want: money, power, a Kingdom, even a family! But that family is incomplete without you! I want to share all those things I have with you! My children need a mother, and you are the one for that role. If only you could see how right I am for you!

But, NO! Mario this, Mario that, you’re always hanging around with Mario! Are you going out with him? I know you’ve not made it official or anything, but…people talk… I’ve heard rumours about him… I mean, he just walks in here, from this other world that nobody’s ever heard of, claiming to be a plumber? If he really had a job, he wouldn’t need to go around stealing all those coins he finds! THOSE ARE NOT HIS COINS. We have a plumbing system here, with all those pipes everywhere, but does he ever clean them? Sure, he goes down them occasionally, but I’ve never even seen him hold a plunger or a wrench! Have you, Peach? HAVE YOU?! He is a con artist, I am telling you! You have to believe me! Saying he’s from a far off land, stealing our money, trying to get with the you…the Princess… Oh Peach. * sob *

I love you, Peach…why don’t you believe me? I travelled to the Mushroom Kingdom to profess my undying love for you…I went to the Royal Summit as you asked…all I did was take you to my castle afterwards…You misunderstood my actions! I just wanted to speak to you. But no, you told everyone it was a kidnapping, just because of my soldiers everywhere. I was a visiting dignitary! Of course I would take a small contingent of my men with me! Then, Mario storms into the castle, taking you away before I had the chance to tell you how I felt. I bet you’re with him now…baking him a cake or something…aren’t you?

I hate him! He walks into this world as if he owns the place, attacking my soldiers, breaking into my castle, stealing the heart of the woman I love, but he doesn’t love you, Peach! I wish you could see that. You can do so much better than him! I am the man for you! Has he told you about Pauline? I doubt it. He was with her before you, you know. She was his girlfriend, and there was this whole thing with Donkey Kong…or was it Cranky Kong…? I don’t know, it was just something I’ve heard through the grapevine, but do you know what I found out, Peach? Pauline is real! There is a woman he works with called Pauline, so the rumours must be true! If he is still working with her…well, I don’t want to suggest anything, you’re a smart woman. But I don’t talk to MY ex-girlfriends. Why do you think the children stay with me all the time?

The children…I…just want to say, while we’re on the subject…I’m sorry. I should not have told Bowser Jr. that you were his mother. I was just so upset, and I hoped that if he found you, and told you that you were his mother, that you’d come here, and see how happy we could be together. I’m sorry for lying to him. He misses you though. I miss you. Please call back. I love you. I want you to know that, babygirl. Okay? And that wedding…it was wrong. I’m just so lonely, and thought that you’d realise how much I loved you when you saw how much I was willing to do for you, how much I was willing to commit to you. I’m sorry for trying to force you into marrying me. If we marry…when we marry, I want it to be your choice. I love you babygirl. I’m going to go now, but don’t forget what I said. Mario is bad news. Remember that. I love you. Please call back, Peach, I need to hear your voice.

How much do you sympathise with Ganondorf and Bowser now? Are there any other villains you’d like Joseph to delve into the psyches of? Let us know in the comments!

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