Nester64x: What About My Art Style?

This piece is a fanboy satire. The views and opinions expressed herein do not state or reflect those of Nintendojo or any of its affiliates.

Like everything even remotely associated with Nintendo, the Art Style games are pretty cool, but they are also unnecessary. Sure, a lot of commie, elitist hozers like to talk up those games while sipping tea with their pinkies in the air, but if they had half a dozen brain cells between them they would know that Nintendo mastered filling their games with art and style a long time ago. That’s right, my loyal followers, Mario Paint is the true Art Style game.

When I first picked up Mario Paint for SNES I immediately knew how Rembrandt felt when he first picked up a paint brush and how Beethoven felt when he first picked up a piano. Of course I would ultimately use the game’s paint and music modes to far surpass those two old hozers. I spent hour after hour creating avant garde works well beyond the comprehension of my peers, who mistakenly insisted my drawings were actually just the preloaded pictures meant to be colored in. While I used those pictures as inspiration, I chose to recreate them by adding tads of impressionism and Asian-inspired color schemes. As for the music, well, let’s just say I used the piranha plant in ways nobody had ever attempted, and the end result brought tears to the eyes of everybody who heard my brilliant compositions. By the time I was eight, my mother was repeatedly telling me my work was the greatest ever to bless the earth!

Tragically, my Mario Paint cartridge was destroyed during a serious bout of depression shortly after my ninth birthday when I realized that nobody would develop a high enough appreciation for art to truly understand my work in my lifetime. However, my SNES mouse has survived and I even modified it to work with my computer and every system on the market; I am currently trying to think of a way to combine it with the Power Glove.

Ultimately, it really isn’t Nintendo’s fault that the Art Style games pale in comparison to Mario Paint. The Art Style games were at a disadvantage from the moment they were developed because I wasn’t involved in the visuals or music. The final products are okay, but just imagine how much better they would be if Nintendo had embraced my brilliance. It would have changed the world… it would have changed the world…