Nester64x: I’ll Kinect my Fist to Your Face!

This piece is a fanboy satire. The views and opinions expressed herein do not state or reflect those of Nintendojo or any of its affiliates.

Attention fellow Nintendoids!

We are at war with a bunch of no good, thieving, Microsoft hozers!

That’s right, with Kinect Microsoft has been trying to steal Nintendo’s thunder, gamers’ money, and even our very souls! Think about it– Microsoft has just released an advanced camera meant to track pretty much everything anybody can do into the homes of millions of unsuspecting gamers.

And you know these guys are ignorant because they are buying Kinect.

Some of you might think that Kinect is just simple, harmless, Nintendo-thieving fun. But I think you have forgotten one simple thing; Microsoft is a big company and is thus diabolically evil so you know that it has to be up to some dastardly deeds aside from playing n00by casual gamers for the fools they are.

I theorize…no…I KNOW Microsoft is secretly recording everything you do, say and maybe even think in front of it. Even when you turn the system off, Kinect secretly remains on and broadcasts everything to Microsoft’s covert spy satellite. Bill Gates and all his evil friends then gather around and analyze all these video feeds to plot how to best get your money and ultimately conquer the world.

First of all, all those little sports games you play are secretly testing your skills; they will know to send their most powerful death machines after the best Kinect boxers. Kinectimals is an obvious ploy to lull people into a cuteness coma so their putty-like constitution can easily be crushed by the incomparable weight of Microsoft’s limitless greed. And then there are all those exercise and dance games, which are obviously meant to tire out the populace so they put up even less of a resistance.

Now don’t go forgetting the spying, because Microsoft is secretly watching all those little moments in front of your TV. Conversations with family, chat sessions with Xbox Live friends, and all those reruns of Happy Days you watch–  these might all seem insignificant, but combined they create an in depth portrait of every dark, scary corner of your psyche. With this knowledge they can rip you apart from the inside and rebuild you according to their own design, effectively turning you and your family into their mindless slaves.

Now that us Nintendo loyalists know this, we must strike back. Take the fight to Microsoft by not buying Kinect and if you know anybody who already owns it, immediately contact a cult deprogrammer or, if its too late, throw them in a padded cell so they can’t hurt themselves or carry out Microsoft’s satanic will.

Don’t be a hozer!

Bring down Kinect!