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This piece is a fanboy satire. The views and opinions expressed herein do not state or reflect those of Nintendojo or any of its affiliates.
Word up, yo. You all can’t even begin to grok what video game comics are all about. It’s not about Sonic the Hedgehog exchanging girlfriends or snarfing chili dogs or about some lame space marines invading whatever lame planet of the week it is and it ain’t about NPCs from a lame massively multiplayer online game talking about stupid crap that doesn’t matter in any way. GOD I hate those MMO’s. Seriously, what the hell is anyone who plays that crud thinking?
The point that I’m trying to get across to you hozers is that real video game based comics are about true game heroes, or more specifically, about ME. My first game comic premiered in Nintendo Power Magazine in July of 1988, back when I was just a wee little kid, although my greatness was really already shining through:
I had some radical adventures with some real-life game characters whom I either totally schooled or totally rocked in the face, depending on whether they were good guys or bad guys. And we ALWAYS included a game tip — those were like GOLD back then. Eventually I was able to get rid of that Howard guy and took the spotlight all for myself, FAR overdue at the time, if you want to ask yours truly.
And yeah, sure I’m not appearing in regular comics anymore, but that’s only because my particular comic didn’t appeal to furry fanatics or violence-loving morons who think that first-person shooters will NEVER go out of style. What a bunch of tools. And at least I lasted longer than the Double Dragon comic — look it up!
What other person do you know who can say he’s been inside one of Bowser’s fortresses, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles’ secret lair, or been turned into a Tetris piece? I’m betting ZERO, since probably everyone you know is a huge LOSER. Plus, they brought me back a couple of times to check in — and you’d better believe I demanded a huge royalty for each one of my anniversary pieces. Plus five Game Paks a week for life.
