Fan Service: A Self-Examination of Shame

What better way to kick off my column than to look at my own ridiculosity?!

By Mel Turnquist. Posted 03/02/2012 10:00 3 Comments     ShareThis

Mel Turnquist's Fan Service masthead column

Welcome to the inaugural edition of Fan Service, where we look at the good, the bad, and the ugly of all things relating to Nintendo fandom. This is where the best of fandom gets its props and the worst of fandom gets its knocks. In this semi-weekly column, we will be looking at all types of Nintendo-related fan works and other things relating to them. It could be cosplay, Let’s Plays, fan art, fan fiction, even some webcomics. We will also serve a guide for those who aren’t so knowledgable about the ways of fandom and aren’t quite sure what to make of it.

And before you can ask, let me tell you that there will be at least one MST a month. So about one in every four columns will be a part MSTing of a bad fanfic. (By the way, if you guys have any fan work that you don’t like and want a good MSTing, let me know!)

The reason that I’m doing this column is because, honestly, I like fandom of any type. I’m focusing on Nintendo since, well, this is a Nintendo related website. I like that people express their fandom in different ways and when they’re really good, it’s great. I believe that the great ones should be focused upon and given the praise that they deserve. On the other side of the coin, there are those ones that are just plain awful. Sometimes, those plain awful ones need to get at least a little bit of flaming their direction, depending on how ridiculous it may be. I’ll stay away from anything made by anybody under 12 since there’s at least some innocence involved. When I put anything that’s truly awful it either crosses a line of taste, is so ridiculously bad, or just made for a really great MSTing.

To start things off and to prove that I’m completely fine with bashing myself (before anybody else gets to it), I’ll show off three bits of Nintendo fan art that I did out of boredom. They were all drawn with MS Paint, have unspeakably bad quality, and are Super Smash Bros. related. Those three combinations alone cause for some severe alarm. I did this a few years ago out of boredom to see if I could actually draw most of them. I kind of got carried away.

MS Paint is like the Nickelback of Paint Programs
MS Paint is like the Nickelback of drawing programs

Okay, I guess I decided to have the common courtesy of putting them all in different squares to make it all equally. This is part 1 of me trying to draw the entire Smash Brothers cast. Let’s begin with the top part going from left to right.

  • Kirby Panel: MS Paint! King Dedede is going to haunt your dreams… he knows where you’re sleeping at night! And Meta Knight looks a little alarmed at the creepy stare. Kirby has a blank stare and is wearing some rather huge shoes.
  • Mario Panel: Peach apparently has webbed arms and Mario looks like he ate some bad food and just realized he was lactose intolerant. SEE WHAT YOU DID, PEACH?! YOU GAVE HIM TOO MUCH CAKE!! Meanwhile, a one-legged Luigi has a bug on the back of his neck and looks rather mundane about it.
  • Other Mario Panel: Wario was run over by a steamroller shortly before he and “Bowser” posed for this photo. Bowser, on the other hand, ran off before the photo could be taken and replaced it with a lifelike doll of himself… except cuter.
  • DK & Yoshi Panel: Yoshi somehow has the power to look beyond the fourth wall and is alarmed by the steamrolled Wario. Meanwhile, Diddy’s tail is tapping DK on the back, likely to ask for some bananas. Poor DK’s eyes shrunk down to a minuscule amount.
  • Links & Ganondorf Panel: Holy crap! Toon Link can levitate! MAGIC! Link, on the other hand, is dealing with some very bad heartburn. Looks like he and Mario must’ve eaten that same cake. See what happens when Peach cooks?! But maybe Ganondorf had something to do with it… he does look rather mischievous there.
  • Zelda Panel: Yikes! Looks like Zelda has that same heartburn! Man, Peach must really be a terrible cook. Well it’s either that or she’s giving herself a breast exam. Sheik, on the other hand, looks like she’s (SPOILERS) about to take a very dramatic bow. And is apparently some sort of Druid since that looks like a red Celtic cross on her chest.
  • Red & His Pokemon Panel: Squirtle is a camera hog, Charizard is balancing a Pokeball on his noise and what is supposed to be Ivysaur but looks more like Bulbasaur is glued to Red’s head. And Red is going to cry some happy tears in about a few seconds.
  • Pokemon Panel: Holy crap is that Pikachu completely butchered. The red cheeks are missing and it looks like it’s just an oval… it also looks like it’s in some dire need of pants. Someone please give MS Paint Pikachu some pants. I sure hope those are hands on Jigglypuff because that was NOT what I first thought when I looked at this drawing again… now I’m going to go throw up about something completely unrelated. No complaints about Lucario. That one turned out pretty good.

And now for the second half of my Smash Brothers drawing via MS Paint Fail. The drawings slightly improve but yet still suck.

I am a nerd....a very big nerd
And this is why I never draw anything relating to Smash Bros. ever again

More observations!

  • Old School Nintendo Panel: Okay, I have to admit that other than the really awkward bottom, I think I nailed R.O.B. pretty well. Mr. Game and Watch, however, looks like one of those little figures that you could make by putting them in the oven… I’m kind of showing my age here, aren’t I?
  • Old School Nintendo Part 2 Panel: Pit is the artistic version of a butter face. There was so much promise with the body and the way everything looked up there but then, suddenly, an unsolicited meteor came and struck poor Pit in the head, leaving him with a caved in head. Plus, the wings are so poorly made. They look like cardboard cutouts you use in a school play if one is playing an angel. And, for some reason, Nana is stepping on Pit’s wing.
  • Snake & Falcon Panel: Snake looks like a washed up ’80s rock star who’s dressing up as Solid Snake for Halloween except doesn’t quite know how Snake is supposed to look. And Sassy Fashionista Captain Falcon is totally wanting to show you some moves in his new inflatable sumo suit that he’s wearing under his uniform.
  • No Certain Category Panel: Sonic is either asking you to talk to the hand or he’s trying to hide his name from the rest of us. Being as badly drawn as he is here, it’s apparent he’s rather ashamed to be here. And Olimar’s ears are completely gigundo and he’s commanding a bunch of finger paintings with flowers on their heads.
  • Metroid Panel: I can’t really hate on the Varia Suit… the lights on the chest make it look like nipples, but other than that, it’s not so bad all things considered. Plus *gasp* a sense of perspective! Samus, on the other hand, looks more like an anime version of my sister. I didn’t overly fan service the Zero Suit, because I hate the overly fan servicing that people do on Samus. Not a terrible panel.
  • Star Fox Panel: First off, my Falco came out pretty damn badass. With that out of the way, you can really tell that my shipping goggles were on when I was making this, judging by the way that Fox’s hand is reaching out to Falco. He looks like he’s trying to steal a moment with Falco. Wolf is looking away, trying to stifle a giggle at the whole situation. Snarky Wolf is secretly judging you. I gotta say, this panel didn’t turn out half bad either.
  • Fire Emblem Panel: Marth suffers from the unfortunate “Tiny Head, Huge Body” syndrome here. He looks like a girl and that would be the initial complain except that, well… Marth looks like a girl. Hell, I may have more butched him up. He looks like he’s ready for battle… but his gaze is in an entirely different direction *cough*. Ike looks like he’s wearing tights. It’s like he’s going to star in a ballet about Fire Emblem. He is also very engrossed in the logo that I drew and has been given a flat head. A Fire Emblem Ballet? Man, that actually sounds like an interesting idea…
  • Mother/Earthbound Panel: The lesson here is that I cannot draw in a straight line. Ness is either stepping on the logo or has a leg 4 inches shorter than his other leg. Lucas has really bright shorts on and is holding what I sincerely hope is a Mr. Saturn because I could’ve translated it in any other way… also, why does Lucas have mitten hands? I think I got too lazy by then.

Not so bad just drawing characters, right? Well… I kind of crossed the line with this next drawing. Not only is it kinda shoddily drawn, it’s also very strange and a little disturbing. To my defense, I’ve always joked about Marth secretly being a girl (he’s just too pretty!). Apparently there was a ball going on and all the girls but Samus were invited (and Nana but let’s not split hairs) and apparently, Marth decided to dress up as a girl…I honestly forget why I drew this but I’m kind of glad I found it again because it’s so whacky.

I drew this as a joke… it’s not safe for life…

The fact that this exists not only in general, but also coming out of my own brain is just flat out astounding. Why did I even think of this? Why did I draw this? How in the hell did I think this was a good idea? I have no clue, but because I want to come across as being an equal opportunity basher/snarker, I had to get my own personal fan art shames out of the way.

In essence, this is pretty much what the column will be about. Just looking at Nintendo related fan works and either praising or taking them apart. It all depends. Well it’ll be like this except actually funny. Or at least I’ll TRY to be actually funny. So, until next time, this has been a self-deprecating helping of Fan Service.

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