Look, everyone knows that our pals at the Big N have made some mistakes in the past, right? I mean, everybody misses a step some time or other, yeah?
I don’t have to tell all you hozers that Nintendo is always right, even when it isn’t. If you didn’t already all know that, then you wouldn’t be reading stuff that I’m writing even as I’m writing it! Now, I’m going to methodically list how each of Ninty’s supposed “blunders” are really not only okay, but really giant successes and by the time I’m done, you’re all going to feel like the complete morons that you probably really are.
1. Virtual Boy
Yeah, you all think this was bunk? What do you know? How about it had the greatest Wario game EVAR?? Yeah, not to mention my own game about bowling that was funky? What? I’m not really that Nester? How do you know I’m not the same person? Do you have magic powers or something?
2. Nintendo 64DD
Seriously, just shut up. This thing was totally awesome, and it totally got around all of the limitations of the cartridge format. I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “If it was so great why didn’t it come to America?” Yeah, well now you should be thinking about how you shouldshut up. How about an expansion kit for F-Zero? Yeah, and Animal Forest, which is like Animal Crossing, only older. And it had SimCity 64! No wonder Master Yamauchi never released it over here — it was just too awesome for us to handle. I think that’s really all I need to say. Your faces have been suitably rocked.
3. Nintendo PlayStation
I don’t even need to talk to you hozers about this one. A Nintendo PlayStation would have been the most godawful abomination in all of history of gamedom. Man, if we’d had that, there might never have been a GameCube!! Plus, Sony totally deserved how Nintendo totally threw it Sony’s face back in the day. That seriously may have been the proudest moment of my life, there.
4. Game Boy Micro
I don’t know how everyone could possibly be whining about this. Game Boy Micro was an experiment in artistic game design. If it wasn’t supposed to be a work of art instead of a game system, it wouldn’t have cost more than fundamentally more functional Game Boy models. It also served as a great tool for eye exercising. Why else would it have such a small screen? Man, I can’t help but smile thinking about how cool the Game Boy Micro is. I have the secret Japanese-only Famicom Controller II faceplate. Beat that!
5. Friend Codes
Look, I understand that Friend Codes require more work to play online than simply not having them, but look at it this way: Only ourreal friends would put up with this much effort in order to play online with us. See? I knew this made sense! Now shut your freakin’ pie holes!!!!!
Yeah, see? Every step as massive victory. I can’t believe you all seriously were trying to question any of this fantastic company’s moves. Like you’re even worthy. Now that I’ve shown you people how Nintendo’s seeming failures are actuallymagnificently fantastic successes, maybe you can all appreciate what a great game company you happen to not revere enough as IF.