All right, you lamewads. Time for your old pal Nester64x to drop some serious knowledge on your dumb selves. What kind of knowlege, you might deign to ask me in some pathetic, simple, nasally voice? I’ll tell you what kind, THAT’s what kind. And that kind of knowledge which we are currently speaking is knowledge of one of the greatest series, and games of all time, one of the best to ever grace a Power Player’s lineup.
Of course, I’m talking about the best shooter of all time– and just to be clear here, shooters are any game where you shoot something. And in the game of which I am currently speaking, you get to shoot a whole bunch of different kinds of bullets at a whole bunch of different kinds of things. I’m not talking about first-person shooters. Those are lame, and didn’t even come around until like, five DECADES after the totally real type of shooters existed.
By now, those of you hozers with even half a brain will have figured out that I’m totally talking about Gradius. Not just any version of Gradius, either. No, sir, I’m talking about the original NES version. And I’ll remind you that the system name is pronounced “Ness” yet AGAIN, since some of you suckers just haven’t gotten that fact yet.
Whaddaya mean the ARCADE version came out first? It doesn’t matter what came out on what system or what version or whatnot when!!! Don’t try to confuse the issue with facts, the truth– one that we all know deep in our hearts– is that Gradius didn’t really even exist in its true form until it came out on Nintendo’s most important system, or at least the Famicom version in Japan. Let’s not fool ourselves– even if it may or may not have existed before, the game wasn’t really anything important until it graduated to the NES.
Anyway, Gradius really puts every other space-based shooter before it to shame, and that’s saying something. Think about it– instead of having separate power-ups for guns, shields, and other accoutrements, the developers at Konami wisely chose to have only one type of power-up, and let the player decide how he or she– that’s right, kids, even back in the 1980’s girls could make just as good space-fragging pilots as guys– wanted to improve the Vic Viper’s abilities. Sure, some of the better stuff cost more than the generic Speed Up boost, but that was one the great things– you could choose whichever one you wanted.
Plus, the monsters were– I mean ARE– just whacked out. I know they were aliens and were therefore expected to be somewhay goofy or weird looking, but how many games have you shooting crazy space Moai heads (those are the giant Easter Island heads. And, YES, Mario did it, too, but Gradius came first, nimrods!) I’m sorry, what was I talking about?
Anyway, the only people who think that Gradius isn’t worth the time of day are total wusses. And– dare I say it– hozers!!!!!! Plus, let me say, here, that even if the NES 8-bit old-schoolness isnt quite up your alley, there’s still the awesome-tastic Gradius Rebirth available for your downloadable pleasure right on your Wii Virtual Console. And how can that be a bad thing?
By the by, if you don’t think everything I’ve said above is the absolute and total truth, your hozerdom is no longer in question. Hozers.