This piece is a satire. The views and opinions expressed herein do not state or reflect those of Nintendojo or any of its affiliates.
I can no longer go to any store that sells video games. They have become far too frightening. Ever since Wii and DS really hit their stride, every video game retailer I have been to is filled with these strange, terrifying creatures. I call them monsters, but everybody else refers to them as girls, senior citizens and “normal” people. I wouldn’t have a problem with all these people showing up if they were asking about the latest Zelda, Metroid, or Mario Party, but they aren’t.
What could these hozers possibly want?
You see, real gamers, like me, play games that are challenging and thought provoking; we battle our way toward victory against unrelenting foes, we solve mind bending puzzles, we consume magical fungi and jump on top of turtles, and we enslave animals to battle for our amusement… you know, cool, mature stuff like that. These gamers, if you can call them that, want to play minigame collections, pet simulators, and various sports-themed waggle fests. Apparently all our totally awesome, super hardcore games aren’t cool enough for them.
You see, these casual losers want to play games that resonate with their interests and fit their playing ability, and we all know that is stupid. If you aren’t going to be saving princesses, shooting Nazis, or driving go-karts with monkeys and androgynous, egg spitting, lizard/bird things, then why bother gaming at all? If your little sister is stealing your DS to play any of the forty-seven Imagine games or your mother is forsaking her real world food preparation duties for more time with Cooking Mama, then it is your duty as a gamer to stop them…
BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY!!!!
If we let these invaders continue on their path of conquest in our beloved nation of gaming, our world will end as we know it. Can you imagine a world where more people, including those of the less male gender, have interests similar to yours? Do you want parents to have a greater appreciation and respect for their kids’ hobbies? Don’t you want to continue having other people look down on you and attach wildly absurd stereotypes to you simply because you are a gamer?
All of these thoughts frighten me, and seeing how I am pretty much the unofficial spokesperson for all serious gamers, I can only assume you, too, are scared. These hozers are different from you and me, and that is reason enough for us to make sure they stay far away from our beloved hobby.