Nester64x: MY E3 Predictions

Listen up all you HOZERS.  It’s time to seriously talk about what’s seriously going to happen next week.  I don’t need to bring up the miniscule fact that Nintendo is going to rock everyone’s SOCKS off, just like they did last E3, ‘cos that’s already agiven.  You KNOW that it’s going to happen.  We’ve got the “What” and the “Who,” so let’s get on to the “How”!  It’s time for Nester 64X’s E3 Prediction list … of Predictions!

Yeah. Anyway, as I gaze into our metaphorical crystal ball, I’m seeing that The Vitality Sensor will be the most Important Feature of Project Cafe.  That’s right, folks, the Vitality sensor will be equipped in both of the sides of the controller, constantly sensing your vitality like a… vitality-sensing… BEAST of some sort.  Yeah, that’s the ticket!

See, hozers! It’s immersion gaming! You just immerse your finger into the awesomenessnessness!!!!

And you know what?  While we’re on the subject, who do you HOZERS think you are, dissing Nintendo for coming up with something so cool and radical?  I mean, think about it, just because we haven’t come up with any concrete ways the Vitality Sensor could be used for actual games doesn’t mean that it won’t be the next big thing.  Let’s be honest, it’ll probably be AWESOME SAUCE.  You KNOW it.  I don’t want to hear any of your Bolshevik backtalk!

You know what else is gonna happen?  And this is bona fide — guaranteed! They’re gonna announce the long awaited sequel to one of the most important games of all time: Ice Climbers 2:  Topi’s Revenge! The classic seal Topis take their revenge against the altered Yeti Topis, and it’s up to our two favorite climbers of ice to take up the challenge!

On the controller screen, you have to keep a Topi from reaching the right edge of the screen by shaking it while the buttons control Popo or Nana on your actual TV.  Just so we’re clear, the TV displays the new-fangled polygonal stuff while the controller screen features state-of-the-art, classic 8-bit graphics, the way that GOD (Miyamoto, hozers) intended.

Yeah, that’s awesome.  I don’t care what Kaz Hirai has to say about how they’re going to make some seriously AWESOME sequel to that game that’s really just Tomb Raider with sock puppets.  What a TOOL!  I think he’d be better off trying to promise not to lose your credit card numbers again. Which leads me to my next prediction of awesomeness.  I think that Square-Enix is going to tell us the 3DS’s ultimate title — Chrono Trigger 3.  I don’t know what they’ll call it, as far as I care, Chrono Trigger 3 is just fine.  I mean, how else would I know that it’s a sequel, and it’s the third game in the series?  See, it’s perfect!!  Come to think of it, I don’t see how that last prediction led into this one…

Another game I am personally looking forward to that they’re going to announce is Hotel Dusk Tennis.  Most of the iconic characters from the classic DS game are going to be playable.  I think I’m going to hit the court with Dunning Smith as my on-screen avatar.  No doubt his years of counterfeiting priceless works of art will enable him to have a dominant backhand.  Coming Fall 2012 for 3DS!

No doubt the most surprising E3 announcement this year is going to be the fact that Reggie Fils-Aime is going to tear off his shirt and challenge all comers to an extreme wrestling match! I hope that HOZER Kevin Butler his first opponent.  He’ll ultimately dominate.  By which I mean Reggie, of course.  Don’t get confused.  And then Luigi’ll pitch in with a couple of fireballs.  And he’s assisting Reggie, don’t forget.  Hozers..  Whatever.  Have a good E3.