Wario’s Will

Bonus Content! When Wario passes away, who gets his stuff? Luckily for you, we’ve got a copy of his will right here.

By Matthew Tidman. Posted 08/13/2010 14:30 1 Comment     ShareThis

Scribed by the honorable lawfirm of Nin, Ten, and Dojo.

I, Wario, being of sound mind, do declare this as my last will and testament. In the event of my death, this must be read to all mentioned herein while they stand around my solid gold sarcophagus, before I am buried in the foundations of MegaMicrogame$ headquarters.

To my devoted frenemy, Mario, I leave all of my castles, on one condition. He must complete the various death traps and pitfalls until he reaches my resting chamber inside each one, at which time he must admit that I was better than him. If he refuses this bequeathment, the castle are instead to be turned over, as they stand now, to the house homeless Toads who are unable to take care of themselves.

To Kat and Anna, I leave MegaMicrogame$ whole and undivided for them to control and grow as they see fit under one condition: they must fight to the death to see who gains full control of the company, within one year, using swords that will be given now.

To Captain Syrup, I leave the treasure chest numbered Lot #37531, which includes inside it one battered lamp.

To the Genie inside treasure chest numbered Lot #37531, I leave the sum of $200,059 in gold coins, on the condition that, upon reaching inside the chest, Captain Syrup finds it filled to the brim with poisonous snakes and insects.

To Waluigi, I leave my second best golf club and a name-change form to be completed legally, changing his name to something that isn’t stupid.

To 9-Volt, I leave my entire vintage video game collection, which is secured in a sealed room requiring a pass code, a fingerprint scan, and a retinal scan. 9-Volt must figure out the pass code himself, as I was too lazy to write it down and have completely forgotten it since I originally stored the games there.

To the world, I leave all of the treasures I have collected, but they are to be scattered across the globe in secret chests, each of which has only one key that should be placed in spots that are totally inconvenient to any treasure hunter seeking them. The guides to each of these locations are to be written fully and completely, and then sealed away.

Finally, to Mona, I leave the sealed envelopes containing the guides to the treasure, which she may either auction off or use to find the treasures as she sees fit. Personal note: I was going to leave you the company, but I felt it would be much more rewarding to watch the twins fight to the death.

The rest of my worldly possessions are to be auctioned off to the highest bidder, and all funds received are to be buried with my body.

To those who are not specifically listed in this will, I leave the following advice: be a greedy jerk and you’ll die rich and powerful. Now get outta here!

(Lawyer’s Note: it is unclear if this final sentence was intended to be in the will of if it was actually directed at me. Regardless, it has been preserved. The law firm of Nin, Ten, and Dojo wishes to note that while Mr. Wario can request murder in his will, we are unable to require that of those listed despite Mr. Wario’s wishes.)

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