Kirby VS. The World

This is a satire. The views and opinions expressed herein do not state or reflect those of Nintendojo or any of its affiliates.

We live in a world of “cumulative awesomeness”, no? (Hint: yes.) No matter how much we love stuff, we’ll always love it just a bit more if it’s bundled in with some other stuff we love. It makes it better in a way we could have never imagined. Take that good old, staple of Americanism, peanut butter and jelly, for instance. Or whatever goes into an ice cream float. Or those hats that you put the can in and the big straw reaches down to your face. You get the idea.

While the food world may be full of cross-dolloped concoctions of delight, the video game industry has its own take on the concept: the crossover. If you like two series on their own, then developers are damn sure you’ll love them even more when they get smashed together in a typical “one side against the other” fashion. And so far they’ve been proved right.

With the likes of Link, Darth Vader and Yoda all taking a turn in the Soulcalibur franchise and Capcom’s veterans willing to knock any Tom, Dick or Harry down for six, the crossover fighting genre is only going to become more buoyant. (First Kirby pun of the week!)

So Nintendo, obviously intent to jump on this bandwagon before the bubble bursts, are fast-tracking production of a new crossover game starring our favourite pink hero Kirby versus everyone. And by “everyone”, we mean everyone. Early storyboard plans show Kirby tackling video game characters from far and wide, as well as a couple of creations we wouldn’t quite classify as video game characters, in one massive game.

Nintendojo managed to gain exclusive access to some beta testing feedback of the game and got a chance to see exactly how Kirby stacks up to… well, the world.

Kirby vs. Sonic

Kirby rolled down a gentle slop in the Green Hill Zone, enjoying his vast and exciting journey around the world. Rolling up into a squishy ball, he bounced up to another incline and prepared to tumble down down the next verge.

“Too slow!” Sonic yelled as he blitzed past Kirby, leaving him in a spinning daze at the top of the hill. The blue hedgehog zipped around several loops before returning to where Kirby stood, dazed. “Wanna race?” he smirked.

“Uh-huh!” grinned Kirby, pulling his arms in towards his body.

“Just try and keep up with me!” Sonic howled in giddy arrogance before evaporating into a cloud of air, vanishing off into the distance.

“Okay…!” Kirby began gently rolling down the hill, sliding up and down the walls of a small valley before eventually resting on his back at the bottom.

“Woohoo!” Sonic tauntingly yelled as he spun through the air, mocking poor Kirby in the process.

“Hey!” the little pink hero exclaimed as he pulled an angry face. Annoyed by the unsportsmanlike antics of the hedgehog, Kirby began inhaling furiously, pulling Sonic back to the ground.

“Whoa!” Sonic screamed as he was sucked into Kirby’s gaping mouth, disappearing into darkness.

“Yay!” Kirby cheered as a pair of red sneakers appeared on his feet and a blue mohawk emerged from the top of his head, before he sped off into the distance.

Winner: Kirby

Kirby vs. Bayonetta

Kirby approached a mysterious woman standing on the edge of a glorious bridge and tentatively tried to gain her attention.

“Hello?” he warily sang as she looked out over the ocean night in silence.

BOOM! Bayonetta span around and fired a few warning shots from her right heel, causing the bridge to tremble at the ricocheting bullets as smoke filled the air. Bayonetta laughed malevolently and Kirby floated back down to Earth, unharmed, before he pulled out his comically large hammer and began charging for the dark witch.

Bayonetta began running towards Kirby too, uttering a dark magic spell. Soon, a demonic portal to the underworld formed in the sky, and Bayonetta’s clothes began to unravel from around her. Wait a minute, there’s too much pink, bouncy flesh going… The remainder of this play test report has been deleted.

Winner: Draw (or a victory for conservatism; your choice)

Kirby vs. Macintosh Apple

Kirby sidled up to the multi-coloured logo and instantly began to feel a burning resentment towards the Apple.

“Why aren’t you pink?” he whispered furiously. “What’s wrong with being pink?”

As the ineffectual fruit tried to slowly back away from our pink protagonist, Kirby charged and swallowed the Apple in one mouthful. We really should have seen that one coming. Apples… Kirby. Oh well.

Winner: Kirby

Kirby vs. Batman

“Hiiiii!” Kirby cheerfully hollered at the Dark Knight, catching his attention from across the pleasant meadow in which they both found themselves.

Batman cast a harrowing, gloomy shadow across the dainty flowers, stunning the Warpstar Wonder with a steely gaze. Kirby ran towards his new friend and eagerly began bouncing about near Bruce Wayne’s head, turning and swaying in the breeze.

“Leave me alone, punk,” Batman growled in a throaty slur, pushing Kirby out of his way.

“Uuuhhh?” asked Kirby, unable to realise that Batman wasn’t interested in playing. Thinking of it as a game, or perhaps that Batman was another masked friend of Meta Knight’s, Kirby kept jumping in front of the Dark Knight and irking him.

Batman soon began to grow tired of these shenanigans and prepared to collide his boot with Kirby’s rotund form, but Kirby just laughed and began to float off to another part of the field. “Why you little…!?” Batman growled, giving chase.

Kirby giddily dashed towards the cliff edge and floated out over the echoing canyon below. Balancing like a cloud in mid-air, he waved at the fast-approaching caped crusader as Batman blindly made a leap for Kirby.

“I got you!” he sneered through clenched teeth as he threw an empty punch that Kirby easily air-dodged. “Hey… wait a minute?” He paused in the air, realising his mistake.

“Uh-oh!” Kirby uttered in his childish way.

“Aahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!”

*squelch*

Winner: Kirby

Kirby vs. Sarah Palin (alternate Bayonetta costume)

Kirby scurried through the undergrowth, desperately trying to avoid detection. Palin spun ’round, her hunter senses tingling, and instantly fired six shotgun shells into the marsh, hoping to find something that would look good on her dining room floor. Kirby suffered three direct hits to the left temple.

Winner: Palin

Ah… I just found a rather important looking notice in the middle of all these bits of papers I found in a trash can was given exclusively by Nintendo. Apparently the game was canned, primarily because of balancing issues with the gameplay. Oh and a lawsuit from Palin. Apologies Nintendojo, my bad!