Nester64x: Where’s the Meat!?

This piece is a fanboy satire. The views and opinions expressed herein do not state or reflect those of Nintendojo or any of its affiliates.

Once upon a time there was a game coming to WiiWare that was meant to put all those casual, mini-game loving hozers in their place.

A game meant for the serious, super awesome gamers like me and maybe a select few of my beloved readers.

A game that was meant to make those like us cry from pain and joy, but mostly pain.

I am talking, of course, about Super Meat Boy. This brilliantly epic title about one wad of meat’s quest to save his wad-of-bandages girlfriend from a monocle-wearing fetus in a jar (a truly daring commentary on the abortion debate) was meant to be a cure to all those little loser games about carnivals, ponies, and things that weren’t exploding.

Super Meat Boy kept it old school; you ran, jumped, and exploded into bloody meat confetti as you were impaled on spikes and shredded by saws. In other words, it was like all those old NES platformers that were well aware of the fact that gaming was supposed to be about horrible emasculation and creating rage inducing levels of frustration that put the safety of you and your loved ones into serious question.

Considering all of this, it should come as no surprise to you that I was looking forward to this like a hippopotamus looks forward to those little birds that pick junk out of its teeth. I was so excited for Super Meat Boy that I did the unthinkable, I tried it out on Xbox 360– I simply couldn’t help myself!

The experience was transcendent, even on that inferior console. Usually my mad skills make even the most difficult game a walk in the park (that’s right, I beat the first TWO levels of Super Ghouls n Ghosts), but this game was something special. I played it for hour after hour until the system finally red ringed and I still hadn’t gotten past the first world. I knew I was in love and immediately started planning for that glorious day when it would come to WiiWare.

This would be so much cooler in 480p!

And then the developers, Team Meat, announced they were giving up on a WiiWare version due to problems with size limitations or some other technical mumbo jumbo. Now all I have to say is that I hate those stupid little stupid heads because they are the biggest hozers ever to walk this tragically cruel planet. You guys managed to create something great on Xbox, so imagine how much more fantastic it would have been on the standard def beast of a system that is Wii.

You have done the world a disservice.

For shame, Team Meat … for shame!