Nester64x: Samus is a Chick!?!?

This piece is a fanboy satire. The views and opinions expressed herein do not state or reflect those of Nintendojo or any of its affiliates.

When I first got to experience Metroid, I thought Samus had a major Boba Fett vibe going on. A galaxy traversing bounty hunter with a cool ship, big guns, missile launchers, and super awesome armor; both of these characters represented the pinnacle of testosterone-fueled manliness to the MAX!!!!

Then some hozer told me Samus was a chick and my world got turned on its head.

Bad thoughts! BAD THOUGHTS!

When the secret mode in Metroid was first shown to me, I first thought, “Why is that slender, long haired, Scandinavian looking dude wearing a bikini?” Then the truth dawned on me and I could no longer trust in anybody’s gender, especially video game characters. Link has long blonde hair just like Samus. He must also be a chick. Is Pit wearing a toga, or a gown? And you know what, my grandma is fat and has a mustache eerily reminiscent of Mario’s. My confusion also extended to the mighty Boba Fett, and for a while I thought the Wookie pelts on his shoulder were actually a really sexy braid.

But none of that is really the point. It was all just a brief phase where I was very confused, but nothing really came out of it except for some very strange and highly questionable fan fiction.

The thing is, chicks in games aren’t supposed to kick butt and save the world– unless they are scantily clad and/or also playing volleyball. Chicks are supposed to be princesses kidnapped by giant turtles, secret princesses to act as healers in RPG parties, and princesses to do other things that princesses do. I don’t need a bunch of hozer game designers confusing me by making heroines with the same power, coolness, and dignity as a male.

I’ve already been confused enough!