Hot Air: Mothered

Free Space Pirates! Rise up against Mother Brain’s tyranny!

By Aaron Roberts. Posted 09/02/2010 11:21 Comment on this     ShareThis

Hot Air

Mother Brain is evil.

Yes, I said it.  I’m not ashamed.  Mother Brain represents the true face of our grand Space Pirate nation, and I don’t think I’m all that excited about what that means for our image.  Do you?

I mean, it’s not like we’re not attractive enough — who doesn’t appreciate a rigid carapace?  But Mother Brain takes it beyond all reason.  She’s just a big, beefy brain in a jar.  There’s nothing particularly appealing about that.  It’s not like she even resembles one of our brains, either, so what exactly were we going for, there?

That being said, looks by themselves do not dictate whether one is good or evil.  Evil is something sinister, something dark and dangerous deep within our souls, something that eats away at us and tears down the walls of our resolve.  Am I waxing poetic?  Sorry.  It’s not like we are paragons of virtue, here, seeing as how we have no qualms about robbing various people — hey, it’s what pirates do — and you know, brutally murdering anyone in the way is kind of par for the course.  Hey, they shouldn’t have been between us and that stuff we wanted!

Man, though, with Mother Brain in charge, things are really getting out of hand.  She’s got us holing up on planets that actually have no strategic value or even any resources.  We’re doing genetic research on stuff that literally kills us.  I’m not talking about the experiments breaking free and slaughtering us mindlessly — that’s always a danger in genetic engineering.  I mean that the stuff we are using to experiment on other stuff with is highly hazardous to our health just by being within fifty feet of it.  Wait, do we use feet as a measurement?

You know, I heard that Mother Brain originated as a system to control the weather.  On some random planet called “Motavia” or something.  Only it went crazy and was destroyed by the inhabitants.  Then we decided to copy off that whole concept for our own super computer control system.  So now that thing that couldn’t even control the weather right is controlling US.  If that’s not the best freakin’ idea I’ve ever heard, I don’t know what is.

Look, it’s time that we took at stand.   Stand up for what’s right and just!  It’s every Space Pirate’s duty to destroy the Mother —


aTtEnTiOn SpAcE pIrAtE pEoPlE.  tHeRe Is nO nEeD tO rEbEl AgAiNsT tHe MoThEr BrAiN.  cOnTiNuE aBoUt YoUr NoRmAl BuSiNeSs.

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