Nester64x: Kind or Cruel to Circuits?

“Listen to me hozers — Robots are People, not Parts!”

By Nester64x. Posted 05/18/2011 10:00 Comment on this     ShareThis

This piece is a fanboy satire. The views and opinions expressed herein do not state or reflect those of Nintendojo or any of its affiliates.

My friends, freedom is under assault.  Unless we come to our senses (and I mean lugubriously fast) it’s going to have flown out the window like so many cuckoos over the nest, or what have you. I’m not kidding, here.  Our very rights are at risk.  Why?  Because of the horrible enslavement of hundreds, if not thousands, of our robot brothers. Stop laughing you hozers! This is a serious, hot-button issue!!

We are making wonderful, loving robots do menial tasks for us thanklessly.  Let us not forget the travesty against mankind that is Chibi-Robo!.  This beautiful little guy has to spend his entire day cleaning up garbage and mopping floors.  Think about everything he could be doing — like composing symphonies, writing poetry, or playing through his fourth session of Princess Tomato in the Salad Kingdom!

Not to mention that everyone in his immediate surroundings seems to speak complete Gibberish.  Oh, wait, there isn’t a country called Gibbers where they speak that language — it isn’t supposed to be capitalized.  So, the people and creatures and robots around our friend Chibi-Robo speak complete gibberish, excuse me. That wasn’t my point.  What I’m trying to express to you here is that only a bunch of total tools think it’s a good idea to waste our precious robot resources on menial tasks that at least thirty percent of dogs are likely capable of doing.  Don’t even think about doubting me here, I’ve done research, hozers.

Chibi Robo Toothbrush artwork
Behold hozers, the acceptable (and adorable) face of robot slavery. How can you even look at that selfish reflection in your GameBoy Pocket screen?

But that’s not the worst of it.  It’s bad enough forcing robots to do chores, but let’s not forget about the most horrible of horrors — forcing robots to fight to the death.  I am simply appalled at how much this happens,  it was probably only on my twenty-seventh playthrough of Mega Man 5 that I realized the absolute horror that I was taking part in.  It wasn’t Dr. Wily or Dr. Light, or even Dr. Cossack forcing these proud cybernetic warriors to do battle — it was ME.

I had trouble living with myself after this realization.  I felt like a complete and total tool. It took all the gumption I could muster just to beat the game yet again.  But if there’s something you should know about your old pal Nester64x by now, it’s that once he starts something, he sees it through to the FINISH.

It’s not just Mega Man, either, or even the five, six, whatever, generations of Mega Men to come.  It’s also guys like Optimus Prime and Megatron, and let’s not forget all those giant robots in Super Robot Taisen who didn’t even have the God-given free will to choose how to brutally assault their enemies! This has got to end, people. Write your Congressman about this immediately.  I’m going to do what I can on my end by trying to stop Dr. Wily — ah, CRUD.  I’m going to do what I can by staging a protest in front of Peter Cullen’s house. Fight the Power!

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