Hot Air: Xtremed

Ready for the women of Nintendo to throw down on the beach?

By Aaron Roberts. Posted 11/04/2010 12:00 Comment on this     ShareThis

Hot Air Masthead

Now that Team Ninja is working on Nintendo hardware, it’s time for the bigwigs at NCL to put these guys to the test in the ultimate clash of Nintendo’s ladies.  That’s right, folks, I’m talking about something big.  Something called:

Nintendo Hard-Core Xtreme Beach Volleyball!

Let’s be honest, Nintendo has a huge stable of eligible ladies ripe for the contest.  Let’s take a look at which of Nintendo’s heroines and femmes fatale would make the cut for the ultimate volleyball championship on Tingle Island:

Daisy (Mario Tennis)

Daisy’s a tomboyish jock type, which means she’s on the A-list for this game.  Plus, she can look incredibly appealing in athletic gear, as seen in her Super Mario Strikers concept art.  Yowza!

Samus (Metroid)

Used to be Samus’ primary attire left most of her figure to the imagination, but not anymore.  Plus, Team Ninja’s already taken her for a spin once.  Why not do it again?

Candy Kong (Donkey Kong Country)

Candy Kong was Donkey Kong’s #1 sweetie in the Rare games and beyond, well, except for Pauline, but is Candy Kong really cut out for this volleyball tournament?  Maybe, but having an ape in a one-piece might just be too much for Nintendo’s sensibilities.

Malon (The Legend of Zelda)

Malon, the country girl from Ocarina of Time, is a shoe-in for this championship because of her strong legs, hardy spirit, and the fact that Zelda herself was too regal to even consider Tingle’s invitation.

Jody Summer (F-Zero)

F-Zero’s top female pilot is ready to expand to a new kind of competition.  She’ll have to take off the flight suit at some point, though.  Oh, and John Tanaka isn’t allowed within 500 yards of the tournament.

Bubbles (Clu-Clu Land)

Bubbles is one of Nintendo’s earliest heroines, so she technically deserves in.  But, let’s be honest, since she’s globular and barely even has legs, she could really only participate as the ball.

Lyntis (Fire Emblem)

Lyntis’ star has been on the rise since she made a guest appearance in Super Smash Bros Brawl.  Let’s keep her going and give her a well-deserved place in Tingle’s volleyball tournament.

Mila (Hotel Dusk: Room 215)

Mila, Hotel Dusk‘s damsel-in-distress, may only have the mentality of a ten-year-old due to her decade-long coma, but she had probably played volleyball in gym class by then, right?  Kyle Hyde won’t have to save her from a devastating spike — she can handle this by herself.

Caroline (Animal Crossing)

Have you ever seen such a babe-a-licous piece of squirrel tail?  Tom Nook rented Caroline out from her regular Animal Crossing duties to rock the sand court on Tingle Island, and things have never looked brighter.  Careful, guys — she’s taken!

Elite Beat Agents Artwork: The Divas

Elite Beat Divas (Elite Beat Agents)

Commander Kahn’s ultimate team of ladies is more than welcome on this green-clad… ahem, fairy’s island.  They won’t even need to change costumes!  But if they want to, hey, that’s all right, too!

Toadette (Mario Party)

Toadette may not have a place here, as she was only invented to prove that Toad was not, in fact, asexual.  Unfortunately, her distinct lack of traditional… um, feminine characteristics means that she’d be out of place in this particularly hardcore xtreme volleyball matchup.

Peach (Super Mario Bros)

This is who everyone wants to see in the game, so she’s the only given in the bunch.  Peach, unlike her Hylian counterpart, isn’t above participating in sports tournaments, so she’d probably agree wholeheartedly and sign the contract without reading about the required dress code, or lack thereof.  Score!

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