This piece is a fanboy satire. The views and opinions expressed herein do not state or reflect those of Nintendojo or any of its affiliates.
Let’s admit one clear and simple truth right here and now – it’s only a matter of time until Nintendo comes knocking on my door, begging me to take the reins and blaze a trail leading to the video gaming future. There is no doubt in my mind, or in yours, that by 2032 I will have been CEO, president, or Supreme Master of Awesomeness at Nintendo for at least a few years and the world would really start to see my effect on the company and the rest of the world in general.
First and foremost, the ceremony elevating me to this most prestigious of positions will be epic! It will take place in a life-size replica of Hyrule Castle, and I will ride in on my Yoshi, provided by Nintendo’s new genetic engineering department, before taking the official oath of office by placing my Power Glove-clad hand atop a mint condition copy of Nintendo Power‘s first issue. All those naysaying hozers who dared doubt me will be forced to watch my coronation from the stockades, as a legion of gorillas wearing neckties throw an endless supply of barrels at their bruised and beaten faces. Needless to say, it will be a glorious day for all of humanity.
My first action as CEO will be to stop all advertising and put that money towards the construction of airships, commanded by a loyal group of trusted employees who will dress like (and take the names of) Bowser’s children. My mighty fleet will then travel to all the great cities of the world, with massive loudspeakers loudly proclaiming Nintendo’s greatness. No longer will the world have to watch silly commercials with old people and hipsters prancing around model living rooms with Wii Remotes in their hands! The world will have no choice but to hear all the latest and greatest Nintendo news at nearly deafening volumes at all times of day.
With the world firmly in my hand, I will focus my attention on games. Nintendo will launch the Wii N-gon, the successor to the Wii Tetrahedron. Motion controls have now been done to death, virtual reality will have become par for course, and even thought control will have been introduced. But the N-gon will once again revolutionize the world of gaming. This will be the first system to do your thinking for you. Thought control games were fine in the 2020s, but having to do all that thinking is too time consuming and hurts your reaction time. The N-gon will actually figure out what you want to do before you do it and act it out in the game. MicroSony, a company formed out of Sony and Microsoft combining forces to combat my innovative genius, will then wait four years and create an overpriced knockoff with a stupid name and act like it is totally revolutionary. Naturally, their new device will fail miserably and the company will only be kept afloat by strong sales of God of Halo 23 and Gran Turismo 6.
On the handheld side of things, Nintendo will once again turn the gaming world on its head with the 4QSi XL Lite Boy. The original QS was the first four-screened system, the QS Lite was sleeker, the QSi Lite was bigger, the QSi XL was even bigger, the Qsi XL Lite Boy rocked because it had slots for every Nintendo cartridge ever made, but the 4QSi XL Lite Boy will blow all the others away. The 4QSi will have all its predecessors’ features, plus 4-dimensional gameplay. That’s right, every time the game starts it will physically create a universe from scratch, where time is yours to manipulate. It will either be the hottest selling game device ever made, or rip a hole in the time space continuum and reduce our universe to nothingness. But that’s a small price to play, because you really need to see how awesome the 4QSi remake of Ocarina of Time looks.
But what will really make 2032 significant will be the completion of my DeathCube: a giant, purple, space station with four controller-port-shaped super lasers ready to blow up any city/country/planet unwilling to bow down to me and Nintendo.
We’ll see if any hozers ever have the guts to utter “purple lunch box” again!