This piece is a fanboy satire. The views and opinions expressed herein do not state or reflect those of Nintendojo or any of its affiliates.
As much as Square can annoy me sometimes with their melodramatic mumbo jumbo, they really are pretty awesome. I mean come on, these guys gave the world great games like Chrono Trigger and even more awesome movies like Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within. The same can be said for Disney, sure they have the occasional dud like Toy Story (we can all agree that Buzz Lightyear pales in comparison to Tim Allen’s greatest acting accomplishment – Tim “The Tool Man” Taylor”) but they also produce great things, like catchy music and sexy, red headed mermaid chicks.
Unfortunately, when you put these things together its kind of like combining peanut butter and jelly, something really cool that I still am able to hate. And unless you are a hozer, you should hate it too.
First of all, there is the matter of Haley Joe Osment, the voice of the main character, Sora, but he is best known as that kid who sees dead people in that crappy M. Night Shamalamadingdong film. This is where they dropped the ball, using this kid without having the game be about dead people. Zombies are the big thing nowadays, so just imagine how far ahead of its time Kingdom Hearts would have been if it had been about doing battle with zombies of Disney and Final Fantasy Characters. Can you imagine how awesome it would be to watch zombie Goofy and Donald rip Cloud limb from limb before devouring his succulent flesh? Instead we just get to watch Goofy and Donald be, well, Goofy and Donald; two of the most annoying creations ever to sully the world of entertainment.
And then there is the Gummy Ship… what hozer thought of this? Disney properties have everything from ghostly pirate ships to pumpkin stagecoaches while Final Fantasy games feature awesome airships and giant, freaky, chicken/ostrich thingies that can make like Jesus and walk over water, albeit only after sufficient inbreeding. They could have used any of those cool modes of transportation, instead they make us fly around in a space ship made out of a candy so lame you can’t even choke to death on it. At least give us something made out of cool candy like Milky Ways or Candy Corn.
Of course one can’t nitpick Kingdom Hearts to death without bringing up the franchise’s, the complete exclusion of Final Fantasy: Crystal Chronicles. As we all know, FF:CC is awesome because it was the only Final Fantasy with enough smarts to be a GameCube exclusive, and it totally excluded cheap lamewads by forcing players to have four GBAs and a bunch of special cables in order to fully enjoy the game. Obviously Kingdom Hearts would be so much better if it had gone the same route.
Sure, some of you fanboys and fangirls might say that these complaints do little to drag down the series’ strengths; like the charming mix of Japanese and American art styles, the amazing production values, the surprisingly well developed story, and engaging gameplay mechanics. But I can counter all of that with one simply fact… Walt Disney was a Nazi sympathizer!
Check and mate!