Nester64x: Ripped off MY POWER GLOVE!..

Those HOZERS can’t even begin to imagine their affronterous….AFFRONTERY!

By Nester64x. Posted 04/08/2011 09:30 Comment on this     ShareThis

This piece is a fanboy satire. The views and opinions expressed herein do not state or reflect those of Nintendojo or any of its affiliates.

They stole my Power Glove!

Every Power Player worth his salt (or HER salt, it’s the ’90s, fellas) knows that the Mattel Power Glove was the biggest, baddest, all-out grooviest gaming peripheral ever made.  Only a complete hozer would even begin to say otherwise.  But our folks at SEGA– and I realize they’re our friends now but it’s so hard to get over.  Just like how Germany and Japan became our friends again after World War II– and I realize that if they didn’t we wouldn’t even have cool stuff like Wario and such– and I wasn’t alive during World War II, you understand– anyway, where was I?

Oh, yeah.  Anyway, SEGA– and they were the bad guy back then, you understand– came up with their OWN motion-controlled… ummm, controller.  And it was lame.  It was called the SEGA Activator.  I don’t know what it Activated, exactly.  I’m guessing… lameness?

Aw, SNAP, yo.  I just nailed it!

Anyway, this lame controller was so awesomely bad that it sucked.  Okay, well, I didn’t really explain that all that well.  See, it was a ring that sat on the floor and you like, punched at it or something.  Problem was, if you had an uneven ceiling, or ceiling fan, or your overhead lighting was too bright, well, see, it just didn’t work.

And it’s not like you could play the only cool Genesis game, Rocket Knight Adventures, on it.  It only worked on games like Eternal Champions, Comix Zone, and Street Fighter II Championship Edition. None of those are bad games, now that they are available on the Wii Virtual Console Service, but I’m still quite sure that they weren’t really that great when played semi-capably whilst trying to strike over a pre-ordained surface on the ground and such.

Not to mention the bizarre setup.  You had to stand fifty feet away from the Genesis and give the Activator at least two hours to warm up prior to actually playing a game.  By the time it was ready to go, you’d forgotten all about Eternal Champions (just like EVERYONE ELSE already had — hoyyy-ohh!) and were getting ready for bed.

Also, note how the actual Genesis system and the TV take up like half of the space as compared to the Activator itself in the following diagram:

Yes, that is quite, for lack of a better word, LAME.

So, in conclusion, the Activator was a worthless, contrived, and overall bad alternative to the Power Glove, or– let’s be honest– any other controller that could have possibly been used for any reason at any point in time– and I’m including the Philips CD-i remote, here, too.  Plus, no matter whether it was good– which it wasn’t– or bad– which it was– what really matters is that you could not possibly have looked as cool playing it as this:

‘Nuff said.

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