Nester64x: Cry Me an Ocean

Nester64x weighs in on which ocean Nintendo should sail to next.

By Nester64x. Posted 09/21/2010 13:30 Comment on this     ShareThis

Nester64x Issue 16

This piece is a fanboy satire. The views and opinions expressed herein do not state or reflect those of Nintendojo or any of its affiliates.

The Blue Ocean concept is a business strategy about innovating above and beyond the competition in order to create an uncontested market for your product. Nintendo has done this to great success with Wii and DS, but I think it’s about time that Nintendo hops aboard the good ship Nester and sails back to the seas of good gaming!

I’m just as happy as the next Nintendo lover that Wii and DS have made millions of former hozers see the light of day and convert to the Church of Miyamoto, but we need to cut the chaff and go back to better known waters. Why? Because new ideas are scary and people who support them are evil.

Do you know who also had crazy, new ideas meant to draw in more followers?


Motion controls might have been some mighty blue waters when Wii first came out, but its success turned it green and attracted the Unholy Filth, known as “Microsoft” and “Sony” in their native demonic tongue. Now those waters are an awkward fuchsia color with beige polka-dots thrown in, and it’s starting to smell, so Nintendo should get the heck out of there.

Of course all you softcore, hozer gamers probably want Nintendo to go forward to newer, bluer oceans; but I say humbug to you. HUMBUG! Nintendo could just keep on traveling into even more casual waters, thus bringing on board more psuedo-gamers and greater social acceptance for gaming to those still skeptical of its rightful place in the spectrum of entertainment media. Those, of course, would be terrible! First of all, if it weren’t for all those naysayers, who would be left for me to argue with about Nintendo’s place as the most significant cultural force in world’s history? Getting people to capitulate to my awesome debating awesomeness is something everybody can enjoy, even if they do claim they are giving up to my supposed “incomprehensible gibberish” and “incessant whining”.

As for the threat of casual gamers, that one really rocks my boat. I’m tired of always having to share the computer and Wii with the rest of my family– I begged, whined, and pleaded for those! I earned them! Also, there is something terribly wrong with the state of game design when the greatest gamer of all time, me, needs help from his grandma to finish New Super Mario Bros. for Wii. Topping the problem off is that all those n00bs completely fail to recognize my gaming greatness by commenting on how great my farm on Farmville is. The last thing any true gamer needs is more casual players clogging up the veins of the gaming world with their lack of appreciation for truly epic things like me and my farm!

Thankfully 3DS looks like it is heading in the right direction. Some hozers might think the creation of an accessible 3D gaming device might draw in more casual gamers, but like I have said before, 3DS is obviously picking up where Virtual Boy left off.

And we all know those waters deserve much more exploration!

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