This piece is a fanboy satire. The views and opinions expressed herein do not state or reflect those of Nintendojo or any of its affiliates.
All right, look — I’m SICK of it.
All you hozers think you’re excited about what new sequels are coming out? Like you even know what’s what? Yeah, as if you even had a clue about what’s the best game? What’s that? You think you do?
Yeah, just shut it.
You know what game needs a sequel? Not some loser-y thing starring a fruity guy with wings. I’m talking something seriously hardcore, here. It has lettuce, onions, tomatoes, and some seriously healthy gaming. I’m ready to LOOK, TALK, TAKE, GIVE, BUY, HIT, and so much more, over and over again, on the 3DWii or whatever Nintendo’s next awesomeness is going to be called.
And I can’t get enough of characters based on vegetables. If I wasn’t telling you right now about how I’ve collected every bit of media merchandise I can get based on the Munch Bunch and VeggieTales, you might never have actually known that fact. Imagine that! But playing a video game based on vegetables, now that’s the stuff. Sir Cucumber needs to make a comeback, d00dz.
And yeah, you could play some OTHER game about Kirby, except for this time, he’s made of a thimble or whatever. Sounds awesome, right? I am totally literally on the edge of my seat and whatnot. And a giant penguin with a hammer is a totally scary villain, yeah? Yeah RIGHT is more like it. How about the devil?
Yeah, exactly. The devil is far more scarier than any random villain, ’cause he’s the devil. This isn’t math class, I know what I’m talking about. And the devil the evilest being in all of the… I don’t know, universe or something. That’s not the point. The point is that Devil World is the coolest game involving the devil from the early 1980s, and we’ve never even seen it — legitimately — over here! A sequel would be just the ticket for reviving the franchise, people!
And you know what? I think we’re mature enough now to handle the religious overtones. I mean, it’s like the 21st Century now, and I think that Christians might be able to accept that reading the Bible might be of some help against the devil. Or, more accurately, that eating it might. I mean, at least it wouldn’t hurt, right?
And yeah, we could play yet another remake of Ocarina of Time yet again, on yet another system, or we could stop being hozers and give a game truly deserving of another outing a chance. And, by the way, here, I only totally play Ocarina of Time on the old N64 with my completely first-run, NON-gold cartridge.
And, to get back to the point, I just have to say that that game is none other than the one that happens to star yours truly on the Virtual Boy. Nester’s Funky Bowling is clearly the funkiest monochromatic bowling simulator ever created, and it’s not just that it happens to star me, of all people. What’s that? Saying that a game starring yours truly needs a sequel makes me sound stupid? Yeah, well… being stupid makes you sound stupid!
Anyway, I want to see what the 3DS gyroscopic psycho-kinetic… diuretic sensor can do for the whole bowling situation. What? You want it on the Wii? Well, I’m glad you want this sequel, but bowling’s already been done to death on that console. Time to tread new water. Plus, it’ll stay true to its 3D Virtual Boy roots.
So, yeah, we could all put on our green elf hats AGAIN and go slap monkeys with out star-powered bananas, or whatever, or we could play something real and good and magical and ultimate. I’m gonna keep on hoping you’re not as stupid as I think you are and that you’ll agree. Hozers.