Reality TV has become an important… okay, not important… awful (that’s the word!) part of modern life. Shows such as Jersey Shore and American Idol in America to the likes of Made in Chelsea and X Factor in the UK have fooled a great deal of society into thinking that very silly
attention grabbing famewhores people are worth our avid, weekly attention. While we at Nintendojo are staunchly against such garbage on the airwaves (except Hsieh, he avidly follows the Kardashians…) Nintendo have decided that if you can’t beat ’em then join ’em. In the mail, we received the pilots for six brand new video game-inspired reality television programmes and were asked to pick our favourite that would be commissioned. Just one problem: we destroyed lost them!
Read the television programme premises below and decide which one makes it to the airwaves! Tell us why you’d like to watch your favourite show and if you think
we’ve the television executives at Nintendo have missed any obvious concepts (Pokémon Got Talent? Project WarioWay?) then be sure to let us know in the comments below!
The Bachelor of Time
Lucky Link, our Chosen One/Hero of Time/Yadda Yadda must choose between twelve eligible princesses who are all different incarnations of Zelda! Through a series of romantic challenges, Link’s ladies must show off their best “evil imprisonment by a dark wizard” act, along with physical challenges that will test their ability to very quickly change into their alter ego’s disguise in the gaps between cut scenes! In the series finale, Dark Link shows up and tries to overthrow Link’s position as Lord of Love before Sheik steps in and kills the passion forever. Starring Tingle as Cupid and Navi as the ever-annoying host.
Your standard, good-natured series of Orwellian doom and gloom here but this isn’t the Big Brother you know and
love tolerate, this is Big Mother! All your favourite psycho-kinetically gifted children from the land of Onett and the Earthbound franchise are locked up in a house together, narrated by an intolerable Geordie voice artist, as they collectively try and deal with the fact that they never got their big break outside of Japan. Lucas and Ness will prove to be the stars of the show in an awkward faux-bromance that’s played up in editing to boost the ratings. Poo will be mentioned repeatedly because his name is funny.
The (X)enoblade Factor
A game show literally about video games as ten Japan-trapped video games compete every week live on stage to make their dreams come true and win a
recording contract chance to be released in Europe and America! The judges will be Captain Rainbow as Simon Cowell, the main character from GiFTPIA and a group of random guys from some RPG you’ve never heard of. Every episode will see you be reminded repeatedly how it’s “alllllwaysssss been my dream to be released in Western territories!” but you mustn’t fall for it, these are cold-hearted, career-minded intellectual properties we’re dealing with.
Relocated from Jersey to wherever the Mushroom Kingdom is (does the Mushroom Kingdom have a shore? What does it even neighbour? Sarasaland? Answers on a postcard!) Mario and his colourful cohorts drink, swear, fight and fornicate for twelve weeks of mind-melting debauchery. Toad brings back a different Lady Koopa back to the hot tub every week and Mario struggles to get any now that Bowser and Peach have become an item due to her love of bad boys with stud fetishes. Featuring Petey Piranha as The Situation and Birdo as Snooki. (That’s what Yoshi calls her/him anyway…)
In a twist of the reality concept, Cooking MamaChef is solely based up the talent of its contestants to perfectly prepare gourmet while under the tyrannical oppression of Mama’s flamethrower gaze. Many will enter, few will be able to adequately chop an onion (you try using a Wii Remote to do that, knives are easier!) (Nintendojo does not advocate knife crime or the casualization of knives) but for those that manage to get through the many grueling rounds (and don’t burn the milk on the stove!) they stand a chance at winning the competition’s ultimate prize, hearing the lead judge describe their food as “Just like Mama makes!”
Keeping Up With The Samus-Aranians
Samus and her army of genetically cloned gal-pals hit up every inter-stellar club, waxing salon and pirate-infested space station. Okay we’re struggling now, this isn’t as easy as you might think.