Dear Edgey-Poo Mr. Edgeworth,
I asked Captain Something-or-Other about this, so I know it’s probably true! So I’m gonna come right out and say it!
You’re leaving me, pal!
Well, I don’t mean to yell. It’s just that– I thought I’d done so much for you! I hold your bags! I bear false witness! I throw confetti! And I end almost every sentence with an exclamation mark!
That’s how excited I am about you, pal!
Okay, maybe I’ve done some silly things, once or twice. Sometimes I give the wrong evidence. And sometimes I say things I really don’t mean to say. But I don’t mean to! And that’s the important part! It’s the past, right? We can all move on? I mean, I’m just a detective. If anybody can make mistakes, it’s detectives! What I don’t understand is how that blue-suit guy can make so many ridiculous mistakes without getting held in contempt of court. It’s like he’s not even trying sometimes.
But I never stop trying, pal!
Now, it would be right for you to leave me forever, like you’re about to do, if I made really horrible mistakes. But I actually do wonderful things for you, Mr. Edgeworth! Like that one time I [redacted], or when you [redacted] because I put a [redacted] in your [redacted]? I really like the time when everybody was really sad because [redacted] when all of a sudden I [redacted] and then everybody was [redacted]. Actually, I think [redacted] happened a lot of times! Boy! If there’s one guy in City-that-Looks-like-Los-Angeles that’s totally dependable, it’s gotta be me!
If there’s one thing Gumshoe can do, it’s arrest people wrongly!
Maybe you should pay more attention, pal!
Now, Captain Something-or-Other says this is all because they’re not localamizing the sequel to Ace Attorney Investi-whatsit, and while I don’t know what that means (I’m just a detective, pal!), I need to tell you one thing: Don’t give up, Mr. Edgeworth! I don’t know who this Capcom guy is, but he can’t be worse than Redd White! They’re only picking on you because you’re young and reckless! But everybody was young and reckless once! Even me! I still remember when I used to buy two Cup Noodles for dinner instead of just one, and then didn’t have enough money for the bus! It made me cry! Into my noodles! Which is a good thing, because I didn’t have enough money to pay my water bill! So I cried even more!
I’m not kidding, pal!
Fight clubs, murder scenes, oddly-shaped broom closets, I’ll follow you anywhere!
I tell everyone that when I was a kid, I wanted to be a detective! And now I am one! But do you want to know a secret, Mr. Edgeworth? It’s all a lie. (I used a period there because I was kinda sad about it! But it’s passed!) What I really want to be– is the Steel Samurai an inspirational speaker! Not even Maggie knows this! I want to be on stage at an elementary school, or at least a prison, and talk about how wonderful life can be! I’d talk about the thrills of arresting people, or the shivers when you throw a perp in jail! Or the first time you put on your detective coat, and it’s all shiny! It’d be perfect for me, Mr. Edgeworth, don’t you agree? In fact, I’m practicing to be an inspirational speaker right now, with the cactus that Jake Marshall guy gave me! That’s why I’m using all these exclamation marks!
Are you inspired, pal?
I know deep down inside, you don’t want to leave me, Mr. Edgeworth! But don’t worry! I will always be behind you one hundred percent! Maybe you don’t want to be a prosecutor anymore! Maybe you’d rather be a defense attorney! Or an acrobat! Or a supervillain! Don’t worry, Mr. Edgeworth! I will follow you like stink on skunk, forever! I’ll be the Watson to your Holmes! The “in” to your “sane”! The “B” to your “FF”! Oh boy, I’m so excited! And I know you are, too!
I’ll never leave you, pal!
Dear Detective Gumshoe,
Please stop stealing candy from Mr. Wright. Although it amuses me, I believe it makes you a little over-excited. And I don’t think you can afford another pay cut.
At least, not right now.