Omaha Recovering from Giga Bowser Attack
Nebraska’s largest city is reeling from a brutal assault from Giga Bowser last Friday. Police Chief Alex Hayes told reports from the Tattler this morning that relief efforts are well underway, and the city is getting back on its feet after the overwhelming battle downtown.
“No city is ever fully ready for an attack of this sort,” mayor Jim Suttle told the assembled press, “but the people of Omaha are strong, and we will recover swiftly.”
So much for Omaha’s riverwalk…
Giga Bowser’s attack began shortly before noon, and the downtown Qwest Center was near fully destroyed before Arwing fighters were dispatched from nearby Offutt Air Force Base. After a climactic six-hour battle, the Air Force pilots were able to force Giga Bowser over the Missouri River and out of the city. Reports state that the giant monster then took out his frustration on the nearby city of Council Bluffs, Iowa, but no one seemed to care enough to inquire further.
Rupee Climbs In Value Against The US Dollar
Hyrule’s currency surged in trading yesterday, on reports that Princess Zelda would be unveiling a new line of battle-themed formal wear. Meanwhile, the dollar plummeted to a two-year low after rumors that the US government would have to bail out the failing corporations of the spatula industry.
“We cannot let this nation’s spatula makers fail,” President Obama urged at a press conference.
Aided in the fact that Rupees are backed by the gold standard, by the end of trading the currency was worth nearly triple that of the United States. Meanwhile, the British pound remained strong, the euro declined slightly, and the Indian rupee flourished upon confusion in currency trading markets.
Pentagon Swamped By Metapod Infestation
Pentagon officials today admitted that the US military headquarters have been overwhelmed by an infestation of Metapods. The lepidopteran creatures have been literally bursting from points of the five-sided building since early Wednesday, but rumors of the infestation have been circling for over a week, with strong denials from the Department of Defense.
“There is no Metapod problem,” Rear Admiral James Viceroy said just hours prior to the first wing of the Pentagon being evacuated. These denials became more and more ludicrous as Butterfrees began bursting forth from their cocoons and circling the Pentagon, following by a mass emigration from the building.
A deceptively idyllic artist’s rendering of a Metapod
Primary military operations have temporarily been shifted to Fort Leavenworth in order to avoid any problems in the military-industrial complex. Thankfully, all remaining Rattatas were eliminated from Leavenworth six months ago.