Everyone I’ve Ever Killed

For the first time in history, the current Hero of Hyrule has written a memoir. Coming out next week, My Life in Hearts, or, Everyone I’ve Ever Killed: Confessions of a Legend is just as long as its title, though not nearly as convoluted. Link’s tale contains many a description of monster lives– too many to print here– but Link has given us permission to put down at least a few portions. Enjoy! — Ed.

Octorok: I know he’s off doing fancy water-skiing or shooting gallery gigs now, but back when I met this guy, he was still a nobody. That’s how we bonded, actually. He would shoot stuff at me and I’d bounce ’em back off my shield. We had a lot of fun together, doing that. He was the first guy I ever met in the overworld, besides that old man who gave me a sword. (He said that it was dangerous– I was a third-degree black belt in shōrinji-ryū, and I actually was able to beat up Aquamentus with my bare hands, but I humored him anyway.) Shame that he got drafted into Ganon’s army, though. I think we would’ve been great partners against that pig. When I finally had my sword at the edge of his spitter, I let him go out of respect for our former companionship. Later I heard he’d taken to show business, working for Kakariko Village’s shooting gallery. I have to say, I’m pretty happy for him.

Moblin: Moblin is a guy that’s a lot like me, and that’s one of the things that drew me to him in the first place. He’s good with pretty much any weapon (so am I), does a pretty mean charge (I need Pegasus Boots though), and can’t seem to find a girl to settle down with (sigh). I used to shoot the breeze with him, when I could– he’d be patrolling, and I’d be running away from some Darknut or something, and I’d wave and he’d wave and I’d laugh and he’d laugh and before long we’d be sitting near a campfire talking about how ugly Queen Gohma was. (Or something.) Moblin never took his job seriously, though that was probably because there were a whole lot of his kind there. I guess when a lot of people are doing your job, you’re less inclined to do it yourself. We did drift apart, though– he went through a phase where he got crazy piercings and, well, really let himself go, and he just was never the same after that. I don’t understand why people have to change themselves so drastically. It’s saddening.

Pols Voice: Had I known this rabbit was just an innocent native of Hyrule’s various dungeons, I would never have gone out of my way to slay her. It’s just that she didn’t flinch when I tentatively poked at her, and she didn’t die after just a few sword strikes like all the other monsters. She was tougher than Moblin and Octorok and, I’d wager, even more fearless than Ganon himself. I didn’t want to put her down, but she just kept leaping at me and taking away my hearts. I did put her corpse to good use as a Bunny Hood, though. It’s not as creepy as it sounds.

Scary Zombie Thing: I hear this guy’s called “ReDead,” but I’m always too busy running away from him to really care about what his name is. It’s not my fault. Normally I’m pretty sociable. But Scary Zombie Thing (we’ll call him S.Z.T. for short) does this crazy thing where he screams really loudly and freezes everybody else in place, and then he crawls up on you and starts– well– grinding on you. Now, I’m no prude, but this kind of thing is worse than what Hylian squires do at the Hyrulian Ball. (I would know.) Plus, it hurts a not inconsiderable amount. I put on my Gibdo Mask one time and talked to Gibdo about the whole thing, and he claim S.Z.T. just wants “somebody to love, like a lot.” Gibdo tells me S.Z.T.’s life is kind of a sob story, involving financial hardship and Communist Gerudo Valley and etc. etc. but I’m still pretty suspicious of his motives. Maybe if he just talked normally instead of screaming all the time. And what’s with his name? “Re”Dead? He’s dead … again?

Queen Gohma: I’m not one for regicide, normally, but Queen Gohma was a monstrous exception. (Pun not intended.) First of all, I had no idea “Queen” was a title. By the way her Deku Scrub buddies talked about her (“Eep! I’m sorry, Queenie!”), I thought Queen was just her first name, kind of like the band. (What in the world? -Ed.) Secondly– what was I supposed to do? All I wanted when I went into the Great Deku Tree’s tummy was to find the Kokiri’s Emerald. But first thing that happens when I get into his kidneys (where all Spiritual Stones appear– duh), I look up and Queen Gohma pounces on my face. I had to do something and that something involved shooting Deku Seeds into her eyeball until she succumbed. Those Gohma Larvae can take care of themselves, I’m sure, just by scaring everything into submission. They have faces only a mother could love, and, well, looks like she’s gone.

Vaati: I don’t know what’s up with this guy. This one summer, I hung out with Vaati a lot, even though Vaati seemed kind of neurotic and slightly obsessed with demonology. I had heard a little about how Vaati and Ganondorf were best friends when they were kids, but I just assumed that they drifted apart, so I wasn’t too worried. (I also heard that Ganondorf only hung out with him because he thought Vaati was a chick, so there’s that.) Anyway, Vaati and I were downing Blue Potions by the gallon one day when he announced that he wanted to take over Hyrule. I kind of just laughed nervously and mentioned that maybe he wanted to drink some Lon Lon Milk instead. (I know this sounds bad and slightly useless, especially for a Hero of Time, but keep in mind the old lady who made us the Blue Potions used an Odd Mushroom that was, well, odder than usual.) I tried to get him to go home but Vaati decided that today was the day that he wanted to start this take-over-the-world thing. Long story short, we don’t really talk anymore, on account of his being stuck in a sword.

Nightmare: He stole Marin from me. I don’t want to talk about it.

Stalfos: Someone told me once that if you stay in the Lost Woods too long, you become a Stalfos. At the time, I was just some punk kid, and I really wanted to be a Stalfos (anything but the Hero of Time), so I crawled into a hole in the Lost Woods and stayed there for what seemed like forever. For some reason, though, neither day nor night passed by while I was in the woods, and no matter how much I starved myself hiding in that goddess-forsaken grotto, I just did not become a crazy muscular skeleton. (I know that sounds like an oxymoron, but Stalfos are magic and they defy all oxymorons now and forever.) I did, however, see another Stalfos walking around. I tried asking him how he did it, but he just stared at me with his (soulless, glazed-over) eyes and tried to run me through. So I threw a gazillion bombs at him and he died. (Again.) (He ReDead’d, I guess.) Looking back, I get the feeling there’s some kind of secret Stalfos society that prevents people from talking about how to become a Stalfos, kind of like that movie, Fight Club. It’s too bad, really. We could have all made a real connection.

That punk Wizzrobe had it coming. I hate– I mean, I bear him much malice.

Wizzrobe: I heard from Octorok that this guy started in showbiz and then signed up with Ganon. Well, it shows. Everyone talks about how Wizzrobe is “so cool” with his “shiny hat” and his “awesome magic powers or whatever.” Well, I don’t understand. Seriously! Just because he can teleport! I’ve got Farore’s Wind. I can teleport too. Not to mention burn people and turn myself invincible! Meanwhile, this is the guy who keeps on changing forms, from an Agahnim-style sorcerer to a giant walking bird to a Merlinesque wizard with, well, robes. It’s like he’s so dissatisfied with who he actually is, even if he’s cool or shiny or magical or whatever, that he can’t stand to be in one form for longer than ten seconds. Well, let that be a lesson to you non-Heroes of Time– you’re special just the way you are, and you don’t need magic to do it. And anyway, to paraphrase Henry Ford, everybody can be anyone they want, so long it’s themselves. So there. (By the way, don’t worry about Wizzrobe stealing your children. I’ve killed him enough times for that.)

Unidentified Mushroom-Looking Thing: For some reason this guy was in my game, Link’s Awakening, but Luigi tells me it belongs in his brother Mario’s games. I don’t know how it got in my series, but I just want to say now and forever that Mario’s a big snob who needs to get his fat nose out of my business. “But he’s so good at what he does!” the fangirls say. Well, if he’s so great, how’d a couple of Mario baddies escape him into my games? I’m so glad that Sakurai guy made Super Smash Bros.; I don’t think I could have lasted much longer without punching Mario in the face. Luigi’s okay, though. Even if he wears my colors.

To be continued in the rest of Link’s My Life in Hearts, or, Everyone I’ve Ever Killed: Confessions of a Legend, available soon in bookstores across Videogameland. Not sold in Mushroom Kingdom jurisdictions by request of Link is Awesome Incorporated.