The following article is a satire of the Pokémon universe. Don’t worry readers, your Pokémon are not likely to be stolen from you.
Life can be complicated. Whether it’s tax returns, world hunger or corruption, things can sometimes get messy and painfully convoluted. At times such as these I just find myself thinking “Wouldn’t life be simpler if it were a video game?” Often the answer is “yes”. (Especially if I could put the groceries into the fridge in a Tetris-format in which food would fold away every time I completed a shelf.) The video game world can easily reflect our own in a simplified, monochrome mirror. Why would we ever need to be suspicious if people will only ever say the same thing to you for their entire lives when approached? People would be thoroughly dependable, some would stay rooted to the very spot where you first met them for the rest of time. If you fell into a bottomless chasm, you would be fine! (As long as you had a mushroom to hand.)
However, sometimes video games show us just how easy we have it. Sure, I’d like to go rambling in the unspoiled countryside with my animal companions as much as the next ten-year-old trainer but would I want the responsibility of saving the likes of the Mushroom Kingdom, Hyrule or the entire universe on my shoulders? Pass. Now and then I struggle with simple things such as tidying my room or doing the dishes, I’m not sure how well I would do if I was told it was my destiny to take care of Gaddafi on my own. While we often seek gaming for mindless escapism, sometimes it can also remind us just how lucky we are.
Below is a transcript uncovered from the remains of an underwater Team Rocket base, deep below the Sevii Seas in the Kanto region. While a small group of young trainers have individually tackled the threats of evil organisations in many of the Pokémon continents, our knowledge of the relationship between these organisations is limited. Could a grand alliance be formed between the likes of Team Plasma and Team Magma or Aqua? Such a threat could potentially overthrow the entire Pokémon world and endanger countless lives of people and Pokémon alike. Luckily, from this conversation anyway, we can sleep safely tonight.
Team Rocket: This is Team Rocket, communicating from our Sevii Islands base. We have arranged this conference between our separate organisations in an attempt to combine our forces and finally conquer the world; an objective we have all failed to complete on our own.
Team Plasma: That is because you are a mockery of an organisation, Rocket! You have failed in your objectives countless times and barely survive in the furthest corners of your domain. Why should we prop up a failing organisation who will only hold us back from our true goals!?
Team Galactic: Need we remind you Plasma that you, also, failed to take over the world? You tried to manipulate that child and he turned against you in your dying hour. You are all style, no substance and we would never align ourselves with fools such as yourselves. Plus, our outfits are cooler looking…
Team Aqua:Fools?! Excuse us! Team Aqua has no foolish desire to take over the world! We are not foolish greedy fools like our foolhardy adversaries, Team (Fool) Magma. Aqua’s only intention is to reshape this world in our image for the welfare of Water Pokémon everywhere. With the power of Kyogre in our hands, the tides shall rise and the oceans expand and you fools shall perish beneath the waves.
Team Magma: You are the fools, Aqua! Not only do you spend far too much time saying the word “fool” (or variations there upon) but seek to destroy humanity to fulfil your idiotic dreams. Depleting the oceans is the solution. We will rectify the world’s problems as Pokémon have more land to prosper! Plus there were too many Water-types in Ruby and Sapphire; why do you want the Luvdisc to flourish!? Fools.
Team Rocket: Are we all quite finished? While it may boost our egos to mock each other and our past errors, it does not change the fact that all we have a common goal: world domination. In the past we’ve all tried different strategies and ploys to seize power but at every avenue we’ve failed. Cooperation is the only remaining option.
Team Galactic: The shadowy guy has a point. Alone, our power was nowhere near strong enough to control the likes of Dialga and Palkia. Groudon and Kyogre equally proved too much for my equals in Hoenn and the Unova organisation hopelessly failed to control Reshiram or Zekrom.
Team Plasma: We controlled Reshiram and Zekrom expertly! Not only were we able to harnass their raw power but our leader, the dragon trainer, was able to tame one of the beasts as his own. How many of you can gloat of such an achievement? None!!
Team Magma: Refresh my memory, how exactly did that turn out for you? Because I seem to remember an encrypted transmission from our spies in the Unova security division claiming that your dragon trainer fled with the creature after betraying you…
Team Aqua: Plasma, if you’ll allow me to answer that for you? It went badly for them. Very badly. Foolishly badly. Kind of like how you described actually… I’m not sure why you asked if you already knew. How very foolish of you.
Team Snagem: Oh Aqua, I do believe that was a rhetorical question on Magma’s part! Uhohohohohhohohohohoho!
Team Aqua: …A what? If you’re trying to foolishly distract us from expanding the oceans, we won’t have it!
Team Rocket: I’m sorry but who are you? And how did you break through the encryption sequence? This communication is private and confidential. I will not suffer fools gladly.
Team Aqua: FOOLS??!
Team Magma:Shut up, Aqua.
Team Snagem: I am Miror B, an executive commander of Team Snagem: the organisation poised to gain control of every Pokémon in existence!
Team Galactic: Neeevvveeeeer heard of you. Or Snagem, to be quite frank. Are you sure you’re not confusing this with a Kirby game or something? Your hair would definitely suggest that.
Team Plasma: We have no knowledge of any such organisation whatsoever. We can’t even remember your insignificant name even though you uttered it mere moments ago! Magnum? Daggenham? Ragtime? Who is to know!?
Team Magma: Come on, I think we should give him a break. Clearly he has ingenuity… if not our collective dress sense. But really, were you in a non-canon manga adaptation of something? Are you the evil organisation in the Game Boy Advance version of that first Pokémon Mystery Dungeon game? I’m just trying to figure it out here.
Team Snagem: Oh goodness, no. And it’s TEAM SNAG-EM, it says it right next to my name, Galactic! We operate in the Orre region, using our shadowy corruption techniques to turn Pokémon against their trainers and help us dominate this fabulous world! It just makes me want to dance, really.
Team Rocket: Are you actually for real? I’ve never even heard of … Orre, was it? I’m not sure I’m buying this, Mirror B.
Team Snagem: It’s Miror B! Because I love to DANCE!
Team Galactic: Dude, seriously. You are not helping your case, here.
Team Aqua: We’ve heard of Orre. We know it very well.
Team Magma: o_O
Team Aqua: It’s an inhospitable region to the south of Johto. Very little vegetation remains in the desert landscape, proving a challenging environment for fools, people and Pokémon alike. We were very interested in raising the sea level of Orre before we realised that it was a desert due to the lack of water.
Team Magma: And now I feel smart again. The social order has been restored.
Team Plasma: This inane babble has no place in our discussion! Mr. B, tell us how you would work with us to take over the world. Tell us about your past, evil successes! Tell us of your glories and the glories of Snagem! We are looking for a true equal in villainy!
Team Snagem: At last, a partner willing to share our boldness! We thank you and your well dressed selves, we appreciate your style, Galactic! Together, with our techniques of turning the hearts of Pokémon we shall succeed in every endeavour we work on together! The world shall be our Cloyster!
Team Galactic:Well that sounds lovely but listen to me. What. Have. You. Actually. Done?
Team Snagem: We made a one sleeved jacket that looked like Kyogre and we made a navy blue Lugia for about twenty minutes. Oh and we were in Pokémon Colosseum. And the one that came after it. Can’t really remember what it was called.
Team Magma: Was the Shadow Lugia a key component in your eventual victory in the Orre region?
Team Snagem: What victory?
Team Rocket: And goodbye, Biro Man. I do apologise for that disruption, we’ve isolated his connection and sent a pack of Houndoom to his location. Which may prove a problem given that we’re underwater but regardless, he won’t bother us further.
Team Plasma: AT LAST! The fools have left us and now we can get to the real business of crafting an overly complicated plan, perhaps involving a laser aimed at the moon, that will ensure our attainment of world domination!
Team Aqua: Did someone use our word: Fools!? Fools! Damn you, you foolish fool…
Team Magma: How were you ever considered our equal, Aqua? It pains us, it really pains us.
Team Galactic: Plasma, we’ll level with you. You’re new. You’re optimistic! You’re clueless. Moon lasers, dragon trainers, mighty dreams of the world. None of it’s gonna work! You have not our ambition to control space and time, nor our wealthy archive of pistachio green wigs so please, go home and give up.
Team Plasma: YOU PHILISTINE! Sychopant! Mongrel of the soul! Just because you do not appreciate our GRAND VISION does not lessen its integrity. We will unleash chaos on this very dimens… wait who on Earth are you?
Jessie, James & Meowth: Uh oh, our disguises have been rumbled! …Hey look it’s the boss! And Magma and Aqua and Galactic! Did the twerps.. I mean did we not thwart all of you as part of our Rocket domination of Hoenn and Sinnoh?
Team Magma: Hey, the purple-haired guy and the red-haired girl! And the talking Meowth! You’ve caused trouble for us in the past!
Jessie, James & Meowth: Well then you should have PREPARED FOR TROUBLE!!! …AND MAKE IT DOUB….
Team Galactic: Hey, waitta minute! We like an evil motto as much as the next criminal organisation but we were kinda in the middle of something here?
Team Aqua: Weren’t you hanging around with that foolish kid with the super powerful Pikachu? We didn’t like him. Electric-types… the ocean. It was always going to be a bad combination.
Team Rocket: Jessie, James, Meowth!? What are you doing in Plasma’s headquarters!? I left with you strict instructions for your mission and you were not to deviate from them!
Jessie, James & Meowth: Uhh, boss? We’re following your orders! That’s why we’re infiltrating Plasma’s headquarters to gather intel and steal rare Pokémon while you have a conference call with everyone as a distraction… Oops.
Team Aqua: And you think we’re the stupid ones? Pssht.
Team Plasma: This is shocking insolence! This is betrayal! This is crime against thieves! This is treason! I WILL NOT STAND FOR SUCH TOM FOOLERY!
Jessie, James & Meowth: Jeez, who rattled your Chandelure? We didn’t think you’d be that bothered considering there’s some English guy in a top hat walking about…
Team Galactic: Officer Looker of International Police has also infiltrated Plasma Headquarters?
Professor Layton: Critical thinking is the key to success!
Team Magma: No, he hasn’t. He really, really hasn’t.
Team Rocket: You’re not even from the same franchise! This is just getting silly, now.
Team Plasma: I agree! And that’s why I cleverly began the self destruct countdown and powered up my jet pack chair as you fools were babbling away! When this building explodes, all of your own systems will suffer fatal feedback damage and only Plasma will remain! Haha, farewell fools!
Team Aqua: FOOLS?!
Team Magma: Okay we honestly don’t have time for that. Everyone log out before we’re destroyed!
Jessie, James & Meowth: Hey, where are they all going? “Team Aqua, Team Galactic and Team Magma have signed off“? Is it just the boss left? We’re sorry we messed this up…
Team Rocket: Not as sorry as I am, Jessie, James and Meowth. Team Rocket has signed off.
Jessie, James & Meowth: I guess we’re on our own now. Wait.. if they all signed off to spare themselves from the explosion what’s going to happen to us..? Well maybe we’ll be fine …. BOOOM!!… Looks like Team Rocket’s blasting off again!