You know the story. Boy meets girl. Girls turns out to be a squirrel. Boy doesn’t see any problem with this and begins to get “interested” and sends her a flurry of passionate letters. Sometimes it works out and boy and squirrel elope to a remote part of the world where human-animal marriage is practically encouraged. But sometimes it doesn’t. The course of true love never did run smooth, especially if there’s only one river in your entire village. Through my network of extensive insider contacts, I have come across a collection of highly classified documents that tell such an unfortunate tale. (Or tail… geddit? Squirrel? Tail?)
The following discourse is completely fictional, albeit rather disturbing. No villagers, shop keepers, insects or romantically pursued squirrels were harmed in the making of this article. Be sure to listen to the audio version of these letters and follow along with the letters below!
Dear Caroline. Today was the day I moved to town. Today was the day I bought my new house, and started making a home. Most importantly, today was the day I met YOU. You didn’t know who I was, but when I saw you across the river, I knew you were the most beautiful squirrel– and the most beautiful girl– I’d ever seen.
Happy Halloween, my sweet. I got you this fancy Duck Bed because I saw it on sale at Tom Nook’s and I’ve made so much spending cash from harvesting fruit and gathering seashells. I can’t wait to see you in it. Tonight I’m dressing up as one of the Mario Bros. See if you can find me at the town square.
Dear Caroline: It’s getting chillier. I bet you’d like someone to snuggle up to in this cold weather. Since I don’t have the courage to go over there myself, please take this Snowman Wall as a substitute. It’s way better than going out in the cold. I’ll wait outside your bedroom window tonight. Think of me when you’re asleep.
Hey! Let’s go to Brewster’s again for a cup of autumn spice coffee. You know you want to. We had such a great time the last time we went. I promise not to drug your coffee again. At least, not the first cup…
Hey, there, baby. I was trying to think of what to get you for Christmas. I couldn’t quite decide, because there is nothing that compares to the radiance of your simple smile. I hope this two-month-old slice of birthday cake will do…
Dear Caroline. I missed you at the New Year’s Celebration the other day. Why are you hiding yourself from me? I might do something really, really bizarre if I were to think that you were for some reason trying to avoid me.. Heh heh.. I’m just kidding, don’t worry. Heh heh.
I asked KK Slider to write a song about how I feel about you. I saw him the other night in the coffee house. He said he’d already started working on it, and it was called. ‘KK Psycho.” I don’t get it.
Happy Valentine’s Day, hot stuff. You are seriously the most incredibly attractive squirrel on the face of the planet. I spoke with Kapp’n on the bus the other day and he mentioned how cute and sweet you were, and my heart just melted. You should be proud of me for not ripping his face off after talking about you so. My jealously knows no bounds, after all.
Tom Nook keeps telling me that I need to let go of you, to give up. Who does he think he is? I mean, sure, he’s my best friend and all, what with my spending two-thirds of my day at his store, but I don’t think he has any idea what he’s talking about. What does money have to do with love? Nothing. Oh, by the way, here’s a throne. Maybe we can sit on it together.
Dear Caroline. Today I heard that you were moving away, that you decided to go to one of my friend’s towns instead of living here. I don’t think I have to tell you that it would be a huge mistake. For one thing, there’s no way he can go apple-picking with you when both of his legs are broken because someone mysteriously beat him viciously with a sack of doorknobs. For another, I won’t let you leave. If you don’t live here, you won’t live anywhere.