This piece is a fanboy satire. The views and opinions expressed herein do not state or reflect those of Nintendojo or any of its affiliates.
So I bet you’re looking forward to the impending release of Link’s latest adventure in The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword. I bet you think it’s going to be “the best Zelda ever!” Right? Well you’re wrong. And (unsurprisingly) I’m going to tell you why Skyward Sword won’t be the best Zelda game. Because I’m hardcorez! (And contractually obliged to write at least one editorial a month or you’ll have to move out our office and go back to living with your moher. -Ed.)
Do you hozers even think you know what a good Zelda game is? Like you’ve ever played a fantastically great game as that, EVER? Come on, can you even tell me you know what a good game is? You think you have the authority or credit to ever even THINK about telling me what a good game is? AS IF?!!
Let me tell you what you start a good Zelda game with. You start it with Link. We don’t need any intro, or any credits, or anything like that. You don’t even have a sword, because when you go into that first cave, and you don’t have to, you understand, but when you do you get this cool sword that looks like it’s made out of wood!
I know what you’re trying to tell me now, so shut it. You’re trying to tell me that hey, Nester, you’re just going to do a remake of the original NES game and tell us it step by step and tell us really that no game could ever even hope to match up with the original 8-bit masterpiece and that even suggesting something else is totally HERESY and what the hell were you thinking, anyway?
I’m sorry. I forgot what I was going to say next.
Anyway, what Zelda is all about is exploring dungeons and exploring the world. I don’t even care if there’s a story, I just want to run around and find cool stuff and figure stuff out! BAM. Let’s have Heart Containers hidden out in the open and stuff you can get to only with ladders. Across water. And stuff.
See! See! It doesn’t get any more hardcorez than this hozerzzzz.
I wanna go to any dungeon I want to at any time. There were some cool things you could do in the original Legend of Zelda that you couldn’t do in later games, partially because it came to the point that you couldn’t access certain areas of the game without certain special weapons. Back in my day, though, you could go to Levels 1-8 anytime you want, in any order. Well, pretty much, anyway. And I always did Level-3 first out of SPITE, because I don’t let the MAN tell me how to play my games. Also you get bored with doing everything in the same order after your forty-seventh playthrough.
New monsters are fine, new play mechanics are fine, as long as you don’t ruin the Zelda-ness of Zelda. Yes, I’m talking about the mysterious ethereal quality that classic Zelda games have. No, I don’t particularly care whether Link is a kid, or an adult, or a fifty-year old man. That last one might be cool, except I don’t want Link to go to jail when a Moblin sees him carrying Zelda out of Ganon’s castle. Also, the Japanese seem to think that when you get old you have to look like Colonel Sanders, so I wouldn’t be on board with that, either. Although it might be cool if Link started his own fast food Cucco franchise in the Lake Hylia region.
You know what I really want in Zelda? Punching. I am not kidding, so don’t even START. I want to run up and punch Ganon in the FACE. And then Zelda will be all like, “Oh, Nester, you’re so MANLY! And you totally didn’t lose to some random eight-year-old kid at Pokémon White last week!” And she is totally telling the truth, yo. I did NOT lose. Don’t believe all the rumors you hear at the Orange Julius.
That, hozers, is what Zelda should be all about. Don’t even try to go off on how I don’t understand game design and I don’t care about modern play mechanics and I just think everything should be like the NES days and I have no idea what game players want and why don’t you all just SHUT IT.