This piece is a fanboy satire. The views and opinions expressed herein do not state or reflect those of Nintendojo or any of its affiliates.
Some people founded religions by sitting in caves and dictating from angels, others chatted up some flaming bushes, while others just napped under a tree all day until the decided they were enlightened enough to wear fancy clothes. Apparently I am better than all these holy hozers, because all I had to do to find my religion was pop a golden cartridge into my N64.
That’s right, while you were going to church and getting your e-meter readings, I was playing through the greatest game of all time– Ocarina of Time. And I was becoming a more spiritual person while doing it.
The Hylian story of creation really takes the cake compared to just about every other religion out there. Dude, it’s three hot, shiny, uber powerful goddess chicks flying around like they were from Dragon Ball Z or something. Seriously, which sounds cooler? A bearded old dude condemns people to death for eating his apples or three sexy ladies who kind of look like those statues they hand out at Hollywood award shows?
Then of course there are the moral teachings, which are a bit more cryptic as you must extrapolate them from the events of the game.
- Hey, Listen!
- Invading people’s homes and smashing their pots and boxes while looking for money and other goodies is surprisingly acceptable.
- Always be on the look out for power thirsty thief-kings when trying to access supremely powerful divine artifacts.
- Be sure to make a pilgrimage to every major temple (though the Water Temple is best avoided for those without 1337 skills like mine!)
- For the love of Farore, leave the chickens alone!
Now that we have the important, and sexy, details of our new faith worked out, let’s get this church started.
First, we need a leader/pope/galactic overlord and that obviously is going to be me. This whole thing was my idea and let’s be honest, nobody else is awesome/spiritually awesome enough for the job.
Second, we need more followers! Me and all you loyal readers are pretty dang cool, but a good religion is about quantity of followers, not just quality. Look at it this way, if we get less awesome people it will just make us look better, so we can be the paragon of all that is right with the world, thus making everybody else feel worse about themselves!
Third, money! Obviously we should request donations and/or implement a pay-to-progress system for the church hierarchy. With me being at the top I’ll obviously get the biggest chunk, but I’ll let everybody else buy in so we can build a nice pyramid shaped payment scheme so everything can be payed out fairly in accordance with the most going to the most devout/richest followers.
Fourth, enemies! It is always good to have somebody you can label as the scum of the earth for believing something vastly different from what you do, even if the concept is just as preposterous. The easiest enemies are the Scientologists, but they are too easy and everybody hates them already. We need to step outside the box and proclaim our righteous hatred for those hozer Zoroastrians! They have been getting a little too uppity if you ask me!
There! We now have made Hylian mythology into a real religion. Now be sure to officially proclaim it as your religion so we can get tax exempt status and be sure to mail me your checks to secure one of the more holy spots in our pyramid of religious awesomeness.