This piece is a fanboy satire. The views and opinions expressed herein do not state or reflect those of Nintendojo or any of its affiliates.
Nintendo doesn’t need the help of any of those backstabbing, talent-deprived third party companies and, in fact, they never contributed anything to Nintendo’s flawless history. Sure, some of you hozers might be whining about so many developers focusing on other, pitiful systems, but that just makes you a fool incapable of appreciating how Nintendo is the only company capable of producing a product that can satisfy!
The first big dog to jump off the Good Ship Nintendo was Square, when they handed the Final Franchise to the dunder-heads at Sony, and guess what… I didn’t care. Square should have been thankful that Nintendo was merciful enough to allow them to put those games into Nintendo’s sacred slots! And of course the first thing they put out was Final Fantasy VII, a boring RPG that was little more than a Marxist lover letter that appealed to liberal elitist emo commie kids. OH NOES AERIS DIED! Yeah, well that little harlot had it coming! Square’s greatest moment was Super Mario RPG, and the only reason it rocked was because Nintendo let them use Mario’s divine awesomeness.
And then there was Rare, a bunch of smarmy Brits who spent most of their time making Mario 64 wannabes and shooters that were thinly veiled pieces of propaganda for English imperialism– it was no coincidence that Joanna Dark and James Bond were both British! Once again though, their best works were made possible by the use of Nintendo properties; Donkey Kong could tear Banjo limb from limb and then flatten Kazooie like a feathered pancake! Thank God Nintendo was smart enough to pull their money out of Rare and let Microsoft buy that rubbish.
I’ve also heard people talk about Metal Gear Solid choosing PSX over N64, well I have a news flash for you– Hideo Kojima can’t decide whether to direct movies or games which is unfortunate, because he can’t do either worth peanuts! Maybe he should try directing his way into a career he doesn’t suck at!
All of these traitors are irrelevant though, because once they leave the nourishing bosom of Nintendo their days are numbered. Look at Factor 5, they spent years sticking with Nintendo and then they decided to have a go at PS3 and BAM… Lair bombs and the company dies a slow and terrible death. That’s right, Sony and Microsoft kill everything they touch!
But us Nintendo faithful need not worry, because the Big N has true gamers covered so well that we don’t even need third parties that have stuck with Nintendo. Why bother with Klonoa when you have Mario? Who cares about Okami when Zelda is available? What does Rock Band offer that Wii Music doesn’t, only a million times better? And why pick up Dead Space Extraction when Link’s Crossbow Training is obviously the better choice? Those of us smart enough to devote ourselves are living in the video game store of Eden, and you naysayers are nothing more than plague-ridden, emo imperialist hozers!