This piece is a fanboy satire. The views and opinions expressed herein do not state or reflect those of Nintendojo or any of its affiliates.
When I first heard about Wii’s Virtual Console, I was uber pumped! Every Nintendo game ever made has been a euphoric entertainment experience, so the prospect of having the ability to replay them all on one convenient console excited me more than that one time I was able to beat my sister at Pokémon. (Metronome + Fissure = Win!!!!) Little did I know, that a few hozer companies would jump in and mess everything up.
The first iceberg to hit the Virtual Console Titanic was a little company called Sega. Seriously, SEGA!!!! Sega games on a Nintendo console… uttering those words makes me sick. As a veteran of the great 16-bit console wars I couldn’t believe my ears when I heard the sacrilegious announcement. It would be like cats and dogs getting along, Ganon befriending Link, France winning a war, or me not being totally awesome at everything. Some people were excited by this news, excited by the prospect of millions of gamers getting to experience “classics” like Gunstar Heroes, Phantasy Star II, Vector Man, and a couple dozen Sonic games. But here’s my question — if those games are so great, then why weren’t they released on SNES?
BAM, all you Sega fan boys just got Nesterowned! (And I’m trademarking that word, so don’t even think about stealing it!)
With those blue hedgehog-obsessed losers on board, Nintendo decided they might as well open up the floodgates holding back the short bus of video game consoles. First came Neo Geo, which cost something like $2 billion when it came out and every game cost a limb, which was appropriate considering the fact that every game on the console was Samurai Showdown. After that came something called the TurboGrafx 64, which I’m pretty sure they made up because I’ve never heard of it. The addition of arcade games wasn’t too bad, but I grew up in an age where you could only find arcade cabinets in bowling allies, so playing those games without the lingering odor of cheap booze and stale cigarette smoke just feels so foreign to me.
Ultimately, I guess I could sort of understand letting all these hozers in on the Virtual Console fun somewhere far in the future after Nintendo had already rereleased all of their awesome games, but we haven’t gotten anywhere near there yet. Nintendo has already cut the flow of new Virtual Console releases down to nothing, and that is a major tragedy; they’ve given us all these stupid systems nobody cares about while ignoring the one thing all us true Nintendo fans desperately crave– Virtual Boy. That beautiful, red and black, periscope-like console never got a fair chance to succeed back in the day and Virtual Console would have given so many more gamers the chance to experience its unquestioned brilliance.
For the sake of all that is righteous in this world, let Virtual Boy live again, Nintendo!
Let Virtual Boy live!