This piece is a fanboy satire. The views and opinions expressed herein do not state or reflect those of Nintendojo or any of its affiliates.
To say that I’m excited about the new Pokémon games coming out would be something of the understatement of the century for about the fifth time. See, let’s be honest, here: no one is as good at Pokémon as I am. I was chosen as Pokémon Champion for the state of Rhode Island five times running, which is pretty good as I don’t actually live there, or anything. I only visit twice a year for the tournaments and keep a second residence there so that I can have an in-state driver’s license, since they won’t let you in the tournament without one, and it’s actually kind of a chore because the taxes are AWFUL, but… umm… Where was I?
You probably didn’t know what Rhode Island looked like
Anyway, I’ve been a Pokémon champ since I started ruling the elementary school playgrounds back in 1996. That was my sophomore year in high school, and I showed all those little punks how to train their pocket monsters, let me tell you. I watched every single episode of the cartoon, played the trading card game, played the Game Boy version of the trading card game, mastered Pokemon Pinball, and created a twenty-foot tall papier maché Meowth for my backyard. Not the one in Rhode Island, the other one.
Not papier-maché but you get the idea. Oh, and this is a MEOWTH
Most people would say I’ve done enough with Pokémon. That I don’t need to continue soldiering on, catching them all, fighting the good fight, beating my rivals left and right, dominating every trainer in sight, flaunting Jigglypuff in all her might… You get the idea. But it’s not enough. I want more.
I want 150 new monsters to attract and DOMINATE. I want new, even cooler 3D graphics. I want a whole new adventure, even if it feels a lot like the old ones. It can NEVER be enough. I’m going to attend whole new tournaments, maybe get another residence in yet another state so I can own the belt there too.
Wait, how do the kids in the Rhode Island Pokemon tournaments get into the tournament without a driver’s license?
Let me tell you, there’s nothing more satisfying than stomping those sad little kids at a Level 30 match. They think they’re all that, but they can’t handle my supreme awesomeness. These ten-year-olds have no idea what a life spent dedicated to the art of Pokemon raising is like.
Owned! …Owned! …Owned! And another… OWNED!
And, to be clear, once I got the Pokémon Pedometer, my life got even more meaningful. Now, I can raise Lickitung and level him up just by walking around. I can even double-team it, and play Pokémon SoulSilver while walking around so I am leveling up more Pokémon at once than ever possible before. This is, to coin a phrase, sheer genius. No question.
So, kids, you’d better run. No one can handle my Pokémon DOMINANCE at any period in time, EVER. Seriously, anyone but me that buys Pokémon Black and White (because I am totally getting both, as you know) is just wasting his or her time. I am going to own those two games, and I don’t mean by buying them. I mean I am going to so totally rule at those games that you will all rue the day that you even heard of my name. Take that!