This piece is a fanboy satire. The views and opinions expressed herein do not state or reflect those of Nintendojo or any of its affiliates.
Ah, sidekicks… aren’t they great. From Fox McCloud’s squad mates to whichever Ice Climber it is that isn’t the main one, these noble tag-alongs are a major part of gaming that never get their just respect. Sure, sometimes they get their own spin-offs (like Luigi) or improved jumping abilities (like Luigi), but far too often they are just recolored sprites (like Luigi) who are treated like second-rate hozers! (like Slippy)
In the spirit of this week’s issue, I feel obligated to finally give some more recognition to my long time gaming sidekick, HowardNTR. You might have seen me get in a little spat with him a while back, but you can rest assured that we are indeed really good friends and he only accuses me of being a Nazi sympathizer a few times a week. It seems that no matter what the argument, we end up reaffirming our bond through a few eye-bleedingly fun games of Nester’s Funky Bowling.
My friendship with HowardNTR goes back farther than I can remember, but I know it always seemed to revolve around gaming. You see, I have always been something of a video gaming prodigy, so Howard was drawn to me so that he could absorb at least a fraction of the gaming awesomeness that is constantly radiating from my massive brain.
And then he got Nintendo Power.
I love that magazine as much as the next Nintendo fan, but it went to HowardNTR’s bow-tie wearing head. He would be watching me play as I employed my super advanced, abstract strategies to crush every game that dared to get in my way. Often he would talk at length about the latest tips and tricks from the magazines, thinking that I needed help. To an untrained eye like HowardNTR’s, it probably looked like I was wandering about aimlessly, but you and I both know that everything I do is a stroke of genius.
Occasionally I would humor HowardNTR and listen to his advice, but most of the time I did my thing and I have no doubt that he was in complete awe of my mad skills. He tried to hide how impressed he was by groaning in frustration and laughing at my very, VERY rare failures, but I know he was secretly taking note and probably spent hours and hours at home trying to reach my otherworldly level… which, of course, he never did.
Had HowardNTR ever become as good as me, then he wouldn’t be my sidekick.
You see, what makes for a good sidekick is somebody who is almost as good as you, but still lags far enough behind to constantly be in awe of you. Ultimately the whole point of having a sidekick around is to give you a constant sense of camaraderie and, most importantly, superiority.
I strongly recommend finding your own sidekick, preferably a gamer not as good as you who isn’t a total hozer who will constantly be impressed by your amazing gaming prowess. Of course, you guys aren’t nearly as amazing as me, so you probably won’t be able to get a sidekick as cool as HowardNTR, but hopefully you will get somebody decent enough.