Only one thing has proven confusing enough to escape my Einstein-surpassing intellect – why puzzle games exist? Seriously, I don’t know why so many hozers find those games so worthwhile. I’ve played every game ever released on a Nintendo console and have yet to find a single puzzle game worthy of my valuable attention.
Of course the first game all those puzzle addicted psychos bring up is always Tetris, and my response is always “WTF”!!! That game is so simple but they still manage to screw it up by making it the shortest game ever. Tetris only lasts like 30 seconds, maybe 45 sometimes, but who would ever want to play a game that short? You blink and its done, and seeing how awesome I am at every game I doubt anybody could last any longer. Hell, I probably hold the high score but I just think the game is too stupid so I don’t care.
Lately a lot of these hozers have also been talking about these Professor Layton games, but those games suck too. Seriously, why would anybody want to play as a Victorian Gentleman and his weird, prepubescent sidekick. Not only does everything even remotely Victorian freak me out, but those two have a weird Batman and Robin vibe going on if you catch my drift. Of course all of those games suffer from the same problem as Tetris, its too hard to get beyond the first few minutes. At least Tetris doesn’t make you sit through a few minutes of Victorian Mumbo Jumbo before dumping the crappy gameplay on you.
And then there are those other puzzle games. Yoshi’s Cookie was just ridiculous, (Yoshi eats fruit, not cookies you losers!) Dr. Mario is obviously pushing Cuba’s medical agenda, Scribblenauts failed because it didn’t recognize “Nester64x” as a valid word, and Meteos reopens old wounds caused by the trauma of watching Michael Bay’s Armageddon. (Why, oh why did you have to die Bruce Willis!)
However the worst sin committed by the puzzle genre is the fact that it dares to appeal to the casual crowd. Any genre that is trying to draw in hozers who suck at games obviously isn’t worthy enough to be played by awesome gamers like me. Oh, crap! My mom is kicking me off the computer so she can play Bejeweled… see what I mean? Curse you puzzlers!