This piece is a fanboy satire. The views and opinions expressed herein do not state or reflect those of Nintendojo or any of its affiliates.
He’s round, pink, puffy, brave, strong, and so darned cute!
He’s Kirby, and just about everybody seems to love him; but they fail to take into account one, simple thing…
He is a wretched, evil demon spawn from the greatest depths of hell!
How this fact escaped so many hozers is beyond me, but come one, it’s obvious. Sure, he looks adorable, but Kirby is downright disturbing and he has done nothing to hide it; in fact, he outright flaunts it. Think about it people, Kirby runs around and devours his enemies so that he can use their powers. Plenty of Nintendo heroes beat, slash, and blast their enemies to death, but Kirby is the only one utilize to such a sadistically cannibalistic method of destruction.
Of course such Hannibal Lecter-infused mimicry is plenty grotesque in its own right, but what really pushes it into the realm of such despicable madness is Kirby’s appearance. Cute, pink puffy things are obviously meant to appeal to younger, more impressionable crowds, so the mere thought of what this adorable monster is teaching children frightens me deeply. Our society entrusts cute characters to teach our children how to count, share, and read, but Kirby is teaching them to be voracious eating machines with a taste for the flesh of their enemies. Furthermore, the Kirby games are also telling them that doing so will make them stronger, and more effective killers.
You are probably thinking that this is absolutely ridiculous, and while I can understand where some of you are coming from, you also need to remember some of us have something to lose. Most hozers out there will probably make for decent appetizers to the ever growing army of cannibalistic Kirby fans, but remember, it’s the power of the victim that makes him or her delicacy. Considering that, I can’t help but imagine I would be at the top of their “to eat” list given my masterful skills as gamer and my Nobel worthy writing prowess.
Could you live in a world where I was eaten by someone who then claimed all of my rightful glory for themselves?
It is for this reason that Nintendo needs to make all future Kirby games excessively violent so that it may fully and concisely communicate the series’ devilish concept.
If we fail, then they could come for you… after they eat me.